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Regrets

By Caria CommunityPublished 13 September 20201 min read

I went into menopause early at 41 and instantly felt overwhelming regret for never having started a family. I prioritized my career and other interests over starting a family, and then… it was too late. I’ve lived a fortunate life, and am in a stable, long-term relationship, but can’t shake this terrible feeling that I’ll miss out on having children of my own. It gets especially hard during the holidays when I spend time with my younger siblings’ children. I guess my question is, for those who have walked in my shoes, will this feeling of emptiness recede? Or did you take action, perhaps to adopt?– Lillian, Boston

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36

Real experiences shared by the community, from the original discussion to today.

  • Alisha5 years ago

    I adopted as a single mom at 41. I tried a couple of rounds of IUI at 37 only to realize it was going to take a lot more medical intervention to get pregnant than I was willing to go through. Adoption is not an easy road and I would not suggest it to someone cavalierly. But it has been very worth it for me.

  • Angie5 years ago

    Oh I so hear you. I wasn’t rushing either and then at 32 found out that I was infertile and am now also in early menopause at 41. It took a while to recover from fertility treatment and multiple losses. But since, I have learned, even after menopause, a donor egg pregnancy is a possibility and so is adoption. I’m not sure I can handle the fertility process again so we’re starting to research adoption. I have also been taking note of people who started having kids later in life and seeing all of the cool benefits of that, and that’s keeping me hopeful and excited. Sending you love and solidarity!

  • CK5 years ago

    Hugs! Have you talked to a fertility specialist about your options? You could still carry a baby using donor eggs and IVF.

  • Elona5 years ago

    I am in this position too and do regret but try to think that life goes on and perhaps it was meant to be this way. It is not easy but life is for living so I engrossed myself in my animals, charity etc I have not gone down adoption because however much I could love another they would not be totally mine and also unfortunately I do not have the money.

  • Terri5 years ago

    Dear Lillian, don’t feel empty or regretful! Does the person in your relationship want children? Children are a major responsibility, and your life will change dramatically! If I was you, I would not regret or feel empty. If you haven’t had any children yet, then there is a good reason why, and be glad you have your health and happiness right now, things happen the way things happen because that’s how life goes! Believe me, child rearing is not what it’s cracked up to be for many parents, so, you're not missing out on anything! Take care.

  • Jenny5 years ago

    I am 49 but didn’t marry until I was 42. My spouse had a 5th grader already and wasn’t thrilled about starting over. Although I wanted kids, I wasn’t thrilled about an unenthusiastic father for them. I decided my primary goal was to have a life partner more than to have children. Now that I’m going into menopause it’s hitting me hard too. So many regrets and so much sadness about it all. My stepdaughter, now a teenager, is distant despite my attempts to be close, making the lack of having my own children feel even greater. If you feel you are young enough and your partner is up for it, why not adopt? I would if my husband was interested. I would even get a cat or dog if I wasn’t allergic. I just have a desire to nurture. It’s hard. It’s something to be worked through, for sure. Therapy?

  • Inkala5 years ago

    I think I experienced the flip side to this - I love my mum, but she had kids because she felt she ‘should’ have, and was extremely depressed and unhappy during my early childhood, which impacted her ability to mother. I am not saying you would have been bad parents - or that my mum was a bad parent, but it did leave scars. So I agree with the posters who said ‘everything for a reason’. If it wasn’t right, it wasn’t right. I do wish you relief soon. I think menopause is when we can become bogged down in ‘the road not taken’ and hormones can make the sadness worse. My recommendation would be to try counselling, and maybe volunteering with a children’s project. There are so many positive ways to impact the lives of children without being a parent

  • Kristin5 years ago

    I’m 48, and peri menopause hit at 44. I had miscarried a very wanted pregnancy the year before. And while I have regrets about not being able to have children with my husband, I don’t regret not having them with my 2 prior husbands! It’s a see-saw of emotions for me. I regret not being able to rear a child of his with him, we would of had a most excellent kid. But I also had a job in my 30’s where I spent time listening to women talk in a nervous situation (they were naked while I spray tanned them), and was amazed at how many started with “I love my children, but if I had it to do all over again I wouldn’t have any”.

  • Kerry5 years ago

    We weren’t able to have birth children because of endometriosis which eventually resulted in surgery and surgical menopause, but we knew we wanted to be parents. We adopted our son when I was 44 and my partner 48 so you are not too late to think about it. But one of the first things you must do is make sure you have allowed yourself time to grieve for the birth children you are not going to have, being an adoptive parent is not easy and you need to be in a position where you can prioritise their needs. Good luck with whichever path you choose x

  • Brenda5 years ago

    I am fortunate to have started family in my late twenties. I am also fortunate as well to have adopted my 3rd child as a single mom at 48. I am blessed at 50 soon to be 51. My kids today are 23, 19 and 3. I guess what I can say is it is never too late to raise a child. I found that with the youngest i don’t sweat the small stuff, I have more patience, I appreciate the little things And since I have had my career I can balance my work and home life better. If you have the calling and love and means to raise a child don’t let your age hold you back. I am truly blessed.

    • Babylove5 years ago

      Very impressive! Your children are lucky.

  • Ari5 years ago

    I think at this point there are going to be regrets, no matter what you have or haven’t had. It’s a tough change, and hormones are not very friendly to us now. Having said that, if you really feel the need, you can always adopt...

  • Lisa5 years ago

    I am 50 and never had children because I've had a very unstable life, and I felt it would be irresponsible and selfish to bring children into situations where I couldn't take care of them. I had a hard childhood and I didn't want to subject my child to that pain. I'm in a stable relationship now, and he never had children either. We sometimes regret that we didn't meet each other when we were young, but it is what it is. We weren't ready to commit right away and later we decided it was too risky for me to get pregnant so he had a vasectomy. We don't feel we're in a position to adopt, but he has a big family with lots of nieces and nephews. I guess my takeaway is, life is unpredictable and challenging and we can only do the best we can. Try to be at peace with whatever unfolds and your options. I wish you the best!

  • Rowan5 years ago

    I didn’t have children but not for lack of trying. My relatives sometimes make comments about how I didn’t provide grandchildren for my parents. I also worry about being alone in my senior years, but I believe things happen or don’t happen for a reason. In my late 30s, I had the opportunity to foster three children ranging in age from 18 months thru 7 years old. I was surprised at how my parents and grandmother welcomed those children into the family. We all learned that a child doesn’t have to be one’s biological offspring for one to fall in love with them. Those three years were not easy, but I have no regrets and would do it all over again. If you want to contribute to a child’s life, there are many avenues besides adoption and fostering. You might volunteer with an organization serving youth, contact your local school about tutoring, etc. I wish you the best.

  • RedWoman5 years ago

    I had 2 children one at 36 and one at 38 as I was BRCA positive and was told to get on with it so I could have my ovaries removed as soon as (BRCA is a genetic problem which gives you very high risk of developing ovarian/ Breast cancer so they advocate removing these to protect you). I’ve had 2 children as I felt I should before I had no option - but I’ve not overly enjoyed any of it. I think there is a preconceived notion that having kids will make you complete. People say your life will change - and it’s true. If there is anything at all about your old life before children - hobbies/career or things that makes you you, appearance etc, it is all taken away from you. There is nothing that can compare to it. I’ve been through menopause and had my breasts removed, my partner left me straight after my op, I’ve got a career, I’m intelligent, well-travelled, very capable, but having kids and dealing with them, depression, exhaustion, anxiety, childbirth complication, losing myself, was by far the worst thing and frankly you don’t get much back from them for a long time! I’m a hard worker, I’m not some over sensitive snow flake. It’s still bloody difficult. Everyday I used to wake up and just wish I could have an hour to myself. Maybe even go to the toilet by myself! Introverted? Not easy for you if you need to recharge with alone time. Let alone sleep deprivation. That lasts for years! My sister is in the same boat - she wants children knowing she can’t have them; as she’s 38 has to have various preventative ops etc and I told her what having children was really like and she was shocked. There’s a political incorrectness about saying how hard your life Could be after kids, to some people it sounds "unnatural" but I feel in today’s society we need a hell of a lot more honesty rather than the sugar coated hand-picked Facebook pictures that cover up the truth, to help people make informed and realistic decisions. I know I’m not the only one who regrets it. I admitted it to my best friend a few weeks ago. The shame! Yet she agreed with me! Yet I Know other people who say "well I know you’ve been through a lot, but it was worth it wasn’t it, with your two". Well no, frankly it wasn’t worth It! Some people enjoy it - some people say they do but they are in denial. No one's really honest! As unbelievable as that all may seem to some people who’ve not had them, but that’s how hard it is. But everyone is different! And love to all who are making or dealing with tough decisions or times right now.

    • AW5 years ago

      Thanks for this. I started menopause early and, probably due to hormones, I have recently felt upset about not having had kids, despite never really wanting them. Your honesty and pragmatism helps a lot.

    • Crazydogmomreplying to AW4 years ago

      Me too! You have said exactly what I have been feeling. Thank you.

    • Elvin5 years ago

      I commend you for the honesty. Thank you ?

    • Emma x5 years ago

      Thank you so much for that I foster kids, tried adopting but that wasn’t meant to be either, sometime I think it’s a sign ... but I appreciate your candid honesty and after looking after other people’s kids for 20 plus years I completely agree except you may get positivity & help when your way older... and I’ll be alone with my zimmer & mobility aids lol ?

    • Marina5 years ago

      I obviously wouldn’t be without my kids but I totally get where you are coming from. Since both mine hit secondary age there has been very little enjoyment. It’s actually soul destroying xx

  • Giulietta5 years ago

    I had three children. One passed away at age 5. It was absolutely devastating. My husband went into deep depression and I drowned myself in work. I drank a lot when I came home. The aftermath of our loss were the worst years of my life. I have sacrificed a great deal to have children and it thoroughly changed my life but at that moment I had to shake off the self destructive behavior to provide my other two children what they deserved. I also had to shake my husband out of his state of inertia. I threatened him with divorce. I combined that with emphasis on my need for him, and especially his children’s needs, and fortunately he reacted positively. I was the bedrock of the family and it was a lonely job. After that we slogged through a drab and draining routine to assure our children a fair chance at a stable emotional and educational outcome. I am happy to say they are both strong and successful. Regrets: after they flew the coop, my husband and I found new freedom for ourselves. We are grateful for our health and find that life without children seemed to fortify us. But I often think back on distant memories of single life, being untethered to anyone, working and hanging out...now in my 50s I still go out with girlfriends but nothing compares to my single life. In many ways I feel I missed out getting into a relationship and family life. I get really down over it. The other side of the coin? Being young and having children (for ppl like me w/o complications) rather than older made the physical part less difficult and left me relatively young as an older adult whose kids are grown. I can still get out there and enjoy and recover physically from a lifetime of neglecting my health to raise children, further my own education, and build a career. I am not sure if my stamina would be the same if I were a decade or two older...I guess I can never be sure of that one.

    • Carol5 years ago

      Do not regret not having children. A lot of what those who say they didnt have children and dont regret it I agree with, I didnt have any and dont regret it, for various reasons, bringing them up for one thing and the world, however beautiful some places are, the devastation and attitude of some people for another. Enjoy your own life best you can.

  • Lushi5 years ago

    It is never too late to raise a child. Adoption is an amazing thing to do. Giving a family to a child in need and discovering the parent within you is an incredible journey for both. Give it a thought. ❤️

    • Delaney5 years ago

      Adoption isn't an option for everyone... Everything in life isn't so cut and dry. There's grief involved that women who have biological children can just honestly never imagine. Just be kind. No suggestions were requested.

    • Babylovereplying to Delaney5 years ago

      Lushi is kind.

  • Ella5 years ago

    Before you went into menopause you didn’t feel the need for kids? And you were content with your life? What I want to say is - continue to enjoy your life the same way as before, because you are still in control of the situation. If you look into yourself and try to find out if you really want kids (not for biological reasons), my guess is that you maybe don’t. But if you strongly feel that you want to be a mother - there are orphans who dream of a mom. You can adopt and if you do, you will love them as if they were your own. I absolutely guarantee this. If you choose the second option, please consider the impact it can have on your relationship and also your hormonal changes can make you feel frustrated and impatient. Plus, to have fruitful parenting you must forfeit your former life completely and be totally selfless and devoted to the human being for the next 20 years. I’m speaking from experience. You are still young and your life is in your hands. I wish you the best of luck ?

  • Michelle5 years ago

    I had two boys, both fantastic kids, successful, caring, gorgeous. However, if I had my time again, I would not have children. Not because of the efforts, but because you worry all the time about them. Not worth it. I envy your emotional freedom. Don’t regret, I think you got lucky.

  • MC5 years ago

    Dear Lillian- it’s ok to feel regrets! We try our hardest not to regret anything in life but that’s just not how it works out. When it comes to deciding how far you want to go for having a child in your life, PLEASE know that everyone has their limits and it’s different for everyone. It’s not easy to “just to do IVF” or “just adopt” or “just” anything... each decision has a consequence. Only YOU can decide what’s right for you (and be your own advocate whatever you decide). My story is similar to others. We tried to naturally have children late in our 30’s, we tried medically, we tried adoption...nothing worked out for us to have a child. Then menopause came early. 10 years of experiences to try to have a child. Do we regret it? Some of it. Sometimes we wished we wouldn’t have pushed ourselves so hard when it seems Gods plan all along was for us not to have a child. So now we are living child free and, you know what? it’s ok! No, it’s not what we planned, we felt like somehow we “failed” but we decided we needed to make the best of what life has given us. We changed our focus to each other, to our family, our friends and our community. We decided to have fun moving forward. People look for life fulfillment with or without kids. It’ll take some time to heal from these feelings so it’s ok to feel them. But with time (& self care), it will get better!

  • Lesley5 years ago

    I hit perimenopause at 43. I had a miscarriage with someone I loved when I was 30, and it broke my heart. We broke up, and I really wanted to fall in love again and have a child. I didn’t find anyone to do either with, and I tried to have a child on my own at 41. I couldn’t afford IVF so I tried artificial insemination. It didn’t work, and I cried for about 6 months over my regret for not being able to meet another person, or make it work with the first. I grieved. Finally, I accepted that I hadn’t wanted one badly enough or I would have done it. I never wanted a picket fence. I lived in multiple cities and countries. I had wanderlust. This was the life I had *actually* chosen, and in reality I could not have had both. I had made choices all along that demonstrated which things I wanted more, even if I didn’t know it consciously. Now I am 49. I do not envy the friends I have with young children my age. Omg, the noise, the exhaustion, the routines. I see that they are in love in a way I’ll never be, the ferocity of it - and the fear. It’s a growth avenue I will never take. Am I less for this? No. Am I missing something? Sure. But I’m missing lots of things- I never became a Nobel peace prize winner or an Ivy League grad or a superstar or a politician. I dedicated my life to none of those things either. ??‍♀️ I did what I did, am who I am, and now really like owning my schedule and my life. I answer to no one, I have my home and my garden, and actually, my life is peaceful. I like it actually. It took a few years to get here though. I understand how you feel, and hope you can reach the same place - whichever path you choose.

    • Crazydogmom4 years ago

      Thank you for this ! Very helpful.

  • KC5 years ago

    I’ve had 2 kids, now in their 20’s. I was 32 when I had the first one, 36 for the second. Neither were “planned”, but we were ok to go with the flow. The shear statistics alone of mundane repetition tasks, like 4,000 diaper changes per child, should be enough to deter all women globally. Lol I found the only “fun times” were when the kids reached milestones, and mastered life skills, etc. Those “highlights” are probably hyperbole, due to the shear volume of the mundane tasks ratio required to see anything that’s positive. Lol As kids reach their teen years, and their 20’s, they are hormonal minefields and exit their parents company, parents input, everything and anything parental related. That exit can happen in slow motion, with parents being treated like stinky cheese... ...or the exit can be like a thunder storm, with an emotional stab of hate that stokes like lightening trough their parents hearts. And they rarely realize what they’re inflicting because they’re hormonal teens and young adults. So, parents are just trying to survive in a stat of numb tolerance. Research studies (the high quality ones) do show that parents are consistently the most unhappy demographic, regardless of geographic region or era. The end-game results in a virtually unspoken recycling of guilt, shame, blame, and disappointments as adult children cut ties with parents with endless conflicts. The rest of parents lives are then spent trying to heal the inevitable conflicts to try and foster hope for some sort of relationship repair strategies. To put it mildly, parenting is nonstop...for life, for better and worse. I don’t envy my mother, she had 5 of kids...and there’s baggage with each one of us. As I age (now 58) and my “good” kids are in their 20’s, I just need to keep apologizing to my mother, who’s now 80 and says, she’s still full of emotional heartache, pain, suffering and worry because the parenting and also grand parenting...just doesn’t stop! It’s a 24/7 job that never ends. I highly recommend reading: Rules of Estrangement -Why Adult Children, Cut Ties & How to Heal the Conflicts By Joshua Coleman, PhD Clarity, clarity, clarity... If one truly knew what was involved in the parenting job description, they wouldn’t, “intellectually”, evvv-rrrrr chose it. Lol Nevertheless, there are some who feel quite the opposite. Depends on what life throws at you as a parent and at each of your children...every single day from their birth onward. It’s daunting and overwhelming, to say the least. If given the chance to have been offered “informed” consent on the front end, I doubt many women would consciously choose to get pregnant.

  • Babylove5 years ago

    If you want it, just do it! Don’t listen to anyone. People are so different, nobody’s view can or should influence you. How do you feel about it? I had my baby alone after a long fertility journey and over 40. The best thing I have done in my life! Nothing compares to it. Makes me feel complete, I envy nobody anymore, nothing else matters to me. Is it tough? Very. Am I sleepless? Very. Am I trying to find time for myself? Daily, unsuccessfully. I don’t care, I manage somehow. I knew I wanted to be a mother, and I became a mother. Then the man came too btw, and he said he fell in love with me because of my strength. Not bad! Listen to yourself. If you really want a baby you should have a baby. :-)

  • Cori5 years ago

    Lilian, I felt the way you do now, but it was a few years ago which drove me to a decision that I regret. As a successful, highly educated, career woman in my 30s I married someone who quickly became my best friend. It was a fairytale marriage for many (it helped that he was a tall, warm, strikingly handsome and I’m a noble european family). Immediately after our marriage, we were excited to have a family, so moved into a 6 bedroom house. Shortly thereafter, I was diagnosed with breast cancer (longer story because no one believed a 35 year old athletic, slim, non-smoker with no family history/genes could develop this). In any case, he was was devastated and scared. So was I, but I was determined to to beat it, which I did, and more determined to have children. He on the other hand froze. I sporadically divorced him for a much older man with multiple children. Although I finally became pregnant over 40 and love my child, those childless years with my ex still seem like the happiest years of my life. Looking outside instead of in lead to the disruption of a truly beautiful life. Everyone around me was perplexed. I lost friends who couldn’t understand my decision and looking back, it is also hard to justify what I’ve done to an otherwise happy marriage. Despite the fact I warned him for 2 years that I must try with or without him, I feel like I was a monster when I think of him.

  • EvaBea5 years ago

    I started menopause at 37 due to a full hysterectomy. I’m now 41 and do not have children. I was diagnosed with Lynch Syndrome and would hate to pass this to my potential children due to the heightened risk of uterine and colon cancer. I actually never wanted kids but I was raised in an abusive environment. Sometimes I wonder if I should adopt but I remind myself you do not have to have kids! Society makes us feel like we should follow a progression but we really don’t have to!!

  • Lesley4 years ago

    I had 1 child & vowed after pushing him out I was NEVER going to do that again. So painful I don't know how we live through it! He was never a loving child & when he became a teen he was horrible! He's 35 now & still a pain in the arse. I regret it. Having kids is over rated...u ain't missing anything. Get a toy dog. They are unconditionally loving & loyal. All the best x

  • Norma2 years ago

    I know this feeling well. I personally never wanted children. I made that choice many years ago. Right around 35ish I found myself being softer about the idea of kids. After 2 years of lockdown I reunited with my partner after 15 years of not being together, we remained best friends he got married, had a child. I bet the child had one years old and two then his ex-wife who he coparent with decided to move across the country and he chose to follow and I followed him after a year of planning or trying to and getting to know the kid better, etc. because I don’t hang out with kids. I’m not used to it at all. It was and long for year. We’re coming up on two years and everything‘s wonderful my point is it’s harder than you think especially when you’re older I love the child so much and they can’t be amazing but you will never be more grossed out more tired in your life and I got lucky and got to skip the diaper years, it’s not her own and I’ve had many moments where I’ve even told my partner I wish we would have at times but not feeling goes away and I’m grateful that I didn’t. It just wasn’t meant for me. I hope you figure out what it is to do but just take time , don’t rush just because of your age or because you feel like you should because as previously mentioned in the comment before you savor every second you have alone.

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