Recently my symptoms have started to affect me at work. I’m not feeling as sharp as usual, am constantly tired, and the other day I had a hot flash in the middle of an important meeting which added to my stress. I’ve always had a reputation for being cool and confident under pressure, but it now feels like my body is undermining me. My question is whether I should tell my boss (a middle-aged man) about “the change” I’m going through? I feel like I need to say something, but am afraid it may backfire. What should I do???
- Marcie, New York
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D J6 years ago
It depends on what sort of boss you have. Is he understanding?
Marcie6 years ago
Hi DJ, I do feel he is pretty understanding in most situations, but I’m concerned that menopause is still viewed as something inappropriate to discuss at work and that I may be seen as making excuses, rather than offering an explanation as to what’s going on. I guess I’m curious if anyone else has had this conversation and did it help, or just make things more awkward?
Lizreplying to Marcie6 years ago
Hi I think it’s important to talk about it . It should no longer be a taboo subject. Men should understand what us women have to go through . I think work places should be as understanding about the menopause as they are mental health issues .
Marciereplying to Liz6 years ago
That’s true, I hadn’t thought about it in that way. And given that mental health is so intertwined with the physical changes that occur during menopause, it really shouldn’t be taboo to simply discuss them together. Honestly, it’s sad that I even have all these concerns in the first place. Hopefully things are beginning to change and menopause can be discussed more openly.
Lisareplying to Marcie6 years ago
I read your reply after typing you one of my own, see above.
Anonymous6 years ago
I agree it depends on what your boss is like, what about HR
Anonymous6 years ago
Hi Marcie, l would discuss this with your boss, especially since it’s now affecting your job. Whether your boss is male or female, because some female bosses can be difficult. If you don’t get support I would then take it further with HR.
Anonymous6 years ago
I have just discovered we have a menopause policy where I work so maybe your company may have. It was pretty amazing to see it.
Marcie6 years ago
Oh, really? I hadn’t even considered that. Thanks for telling me, I will check on that first in case we do! That would certainly be helpful to know :)
Dorothy L4 years ago
Wow that’s amazing. I’m curious what the policy said if you could share? Thanks in advance!
Anonymous6 years ago
I am the same but my boss is a woman and I said if I’m in a bad mood or cry that’s why and she was fine
Dano6 years ago
Same predicament. I work in a male dominated field and share an office with 6 men. The decisions I make throughout the day are critical and the brain fog and exhaustion are inhibiting my performance. The hot flashes and the air conditioning,(or lack there of), causes some tension between me and my male office mates. Increased irritability compounds everything. I have a comfortable enough relationship with my boss to be able to express some of what I’m experiencing, but not so much with my coworkers.
Amy3 years ago
I'm in the same boat. I told my boss this afternoon, after him informing me all my male co-workers are afraid of me and my mood swings. He took it well, his wife is not much older than me. But he did suggest fixing it- I have no clue how. (It wasn't an entirely productive conversation, it was slightly awkward, as I was crying of course) So I made a doctors appointment for next week, and now I'm just sitting in the hot tub crying
Lynn6 years ago
Once I clued in that I was having menopause symptoms I just went ahead and told my boss Why I hadn’t been feeling like myself anymore. It was better for everyone. I didn’t suddenly go crazy and I now had options. I tried toughing it out first. That didn’t work. I cut back I caffeine, cut out sugar, carbs, gluten... Still had hot flashes, anxiety, insomnia, brain fog and every other symptom going. Finally went on HRT 5 months ago and I feel like myself again! It took a few months to fully take affect. I highly recommend it if you aren’t at high risk for breast cancer. The only side effect I’ve noticed is that I get heartburn if I eat chocolate late in the day or drink peppermint tea. Previously I never suffered from heartburn. Good luck!
Anonymous4 years ago
Hi Lynn, Thanks for your message. I went through all of the same symptoms over the last two years. During covid it was easy enough to manage as we were all working from home but being back in the office recently made managing the symptoms much harder. I started HRT treatment a few weeks ago and already feel much better. My job is also very pro managing your health so I now work from home when I need to which is much less often now that I am getting by treatment. I’m only at the start of my journey but I tell anyone that needs to know to try to break barriers and build understanding for myself and other women that I work with. Ruth
Lynn6 years ago
I should have mentioned that my boss is male. My workplace has a 2:1 male to female ratio, but I still felt comfortable explaining my struggles with menopause. The vast majority of women have at least some uncomfortable symptoms and we shouldn’t have to struggle in silence, just because men don’t have to go through it. He may be willing to work with you to find a way to make your schedule less hectic or something to accommodate your adjustments to the changes in your life. If you were expecting a baby or had just given birth people would accommodate that.
Kelly6 years ago
I haven’t had to have this discussion because I work for myself but I have an opinion. I’m not sure I would share it, especially if it was a male boss. I agree it sounds like an excuse and I can’t imagine how a middle aged male could even understand what you are going thru. I love my husband but he doesn’t have a clue what is happening to me and I don’t know how to explain how horrible the hot flashes and mood swings truly have been for me so that he could understand. I have a male doctor who keeps patting my on my hand and saying it’s just the change of life and it’s ok. Right. It’s ok when your glasses steam up from a hot flash in the middle of speaking with a client. (Or other horrible things) Good luck. If you do decide to talk with him I would be curious to hear how it goes.
Anonymous6 years ago
I think you should broach the subject but put some positive solutions or suggestions forward. My work Place was trying to look at the effects of menopause and how to help but it was in the early stages. Hopefully more businesses will look at this in the future. I feel it’s down to us as well to ask for help.
BT6 years ago
With the world as it is, the global topics etc “everyone’s menopause matters!” Unless your boss is aware, (they don’t have crystal balls) they can’t support you. Also if your having a bad day, tell them when you get in. At least then they can give you the support you may require. If they aren’t supportive then you may have to seek further help ! Good luck
Stephanie6 years ago
Hi Marcie, I mentioned my hot flashes to my 63 year old female manager and She just stared at me!!!! I don’t know if she was embarrassed or just didn’t know what to say but I felt I shouldn’t have talked about it. The problem is, I don’t feel embarrassed and I want to talk about my symptoms. I feel we need to open up a Menopause dialogue in order to normalise the word, the symptoms and gain understanding. I announced that I am menopausal at a family gathering at Christmas! I know it’s crazy. I have three sons and their partners were there too. As you can imagine, the room fell silent. My eldest son asked me why I had announced that? i said I wanted them to understand me and my new mood swings, crying for no reason, discomfort from the hot flashes and the forgetfulness. He, and the others were quite underwhelmed but said that’s ok mum, we still love you. Perfect response. As for telling your boss..... what do you need from him ie changes to the work set up, days off at short notice, time out etc. If you Feel You will need Something then tell him and discuss your needs with him. Think about what you need before hand. I wish you well and hope all goes well for you.
Dano6 years ago
I agree! I don’t feel embarrassed either and find these new things my body is doing fascinating. I had no idea there were so many symptoms. I told my young son that mommy’s body was changing and he was very open to it. I told my parents I was experiencing these things and not a word was said in response. I think it’s amazing how something that every woman eventually experiences is shrouded in so much secrecy!
Sandra6 years ago
Hi Marcie I work in HR and think that you should absolutely tell your boss. The menopause does come along with health implications and your workplace will no doubt have health and safety laws to comply with. I’d have a conversation about what may help you during this time. A lot of UK organisations are (thankfully) raising awareness, actively encouraging Menopause conversations and greater flexibility for employees now. You’re just explaining what would enable you to be more productive during this period of change. The main thing is that it doesn’t mean your any less dedicated to your role. In fact talking about it shows how much it does mean to you. I do get brain fog and I absolutely hate it. It’s made worse by lack of sleep and worrying about the brain fog too (groan). I can usually hold it together, but with travelling and long hours, it’s hard work sometimes. If you have that conversation you might find that it reduces any anxiety you may have and helps you to get into a routine that gives you the opportunity to provide them with your best. You might find that their more supportive than you think. I work from home on occasions and I certainly don’t do any less work. Its the quit time I have to discipline myself with. The only person you have to worry about disappointing is yourself. Good luck and go for it!! Sandra
Karina6 years ago
Hi Marcie. I’ve have always been very open with my bosses and work colleagues about my menopause symptoms, and have had such positive supportive responses. It has been a weight off my shoulders to just let others know that some days are just harder than others, and if I’m extra irritable or struggling, then that’s okay just one of those days. There had probably been one or two people who looked uncomfortable but over the past eight years nearly everyone has been supportive. It’s really broken down some barriers with people as well. I truly believe the more we talk about it the more we educate men and allow our fellow women to feel ‘normal’.
Anonymous6 years ago
Hi Marcie So sad you are feeling like you are I know exactly how you feel .I too felt I couldn’t do my job as a teacher and often while in the middle of delivering a lesson I would have a hot flush and an overwhelming fear that I just could not continue.Luckily I had a wonderful assistant and an equally wonderful head teacher who understood. I I now only do two mornings which I just about cope with. You must go and talk to your boss explain what you are going through I’m sure something can be worked out Stress at work is counterproductive so you must seek help I do hope your situation does get better for you xsafiya
Anonymous6 years ago
Marcie- I also work in HR. Your condition may be covered under the Americans With Disabilities Act. I would reach out to your disability provider at work and ask. You aren’t required to disclose your medical condition to your boss. It may be harder if youre in a small company. If not ADA covered, your company may agree to accommodations anyway. So, think of what those might be. A personal fan/ac? Work from home some? Bear in mind, if this is impacting your performance, you may want to consult with a physician for options of treatment. They will also need to fill out ADA paperwork.
Elle6 years ago
Unless your leadership knows, they can’t support you - this is so true. But for many of us it is ‘when they know, they will reject you’. I’m struggling with memory issues so can’t remember names or sometime even find the right words to explain a project when put on the spot (I am also not a native speaker). My boss is constantly elevating those with ‘sharp brains’ - (his words) and softer values or accomplishments aren’t celebrated. It’s really difficult to transition into this stage in our lives when there is no empathy for the issues aging brings in our working environment. I can’t see how it can change if they aren’t spoken about but perhaps your boss isn’t the right place to start? I am myself looking for someone in the org that can understand and help put this on the agenda so it is bigger than ‘me and my performance’.
Julia6 years ago
Great that you have recognised the symptoms and can now discuss with your boss. Do you have an occupational health contact at work too? They should be first point of call. They can then discuss with your manager and HR too, if necessary what proposals/ solutions are possible and will hopefully have some experience etc. I realised too late how I was feeling was related to Menopause ( extreme brain fog, anxiety, palpitations, insomnia , exhaustion the list goes on!!) and had some v difficult times with my then boss ( female) but then took the situation to HR/ occ health and took 2 weeks off work sick to get onto HRT etc as the previous herbal/ vitamins were no longer working. This helped enormously for me. I nearly lost my job, which if you read articles is astonishing how many women leave the workforce at around 50 for this very reason and it is just not documented... v sad to lose all this talent when if we were supported it would keep us in the jobs we love. I pushed hard for better support/ awareness in our workplace (UK) and it has improved significantly. On our Livewell days, they brought in a nurse practitioner to discuss it and even had a session for men only for them to better understand! Good Luck. We need to raise awareness.
Anonymous6 years ago
I remember reading last year that Channel 4 had a menopause policy for their employees. Definitely something more companies should implement. Not sure if this link will work but it’s easily googlable. https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2019/oct/18/channel-4-launches-menopause-policy-for-employees
Mel6 years ago
I tried broaching the subject at my place of work, it didn’t go down well! Considering most of my colleagues are pre/post menopausal I’m surprised and disappointed. The other women might make a comment e.g “I had such bad night sweats last night” but that really is as far as it goes. ??♀️
Anonymous6 years ago
I had a hysterectomy two years ago. Obviously as I was away from work for a few weeks my boss knew why I was away. On my return it wasn’t mentioned and I found my work had changed. I just don’t think people know how to deal with it.
Anonymous6 years ago
I have been able to share my concerns about menopause at work. I am trying to get the trust to crest a policy as I feel this is going to effect many women in the workplace and companies need to really understand how they can help ensure women at the peak of their careers feel when this hits and what they can do to support.
Amanda4 years ago
I would probably tell your boss. I have talked to my boss, a female, and she is helping me out. She and several others are going through the same thing. I work at a school. We are all in this together. There might be someone else that is battling this same thing at your job as well.
Kat4 years ago
I’ve experienced intense hot flashes at work so I brought in a little desk fan, which I turn on and off throughout the day. I have not noticed brain fog unless I’ve had trouble sleeping. I have discussed menopause with women colleagues, but I started a new career a decade ago at 39, and I’m much older than most of the women in my role (most are in their late 20s - early40s) so— many aren’t at the same stage in life, what’s more, they appear to feel uncomfortable about my bringing up the subject, which is a whole other discussion point. I like the idea of informing my leadership of symptoms affect my performance; however, I’m not sure what they will or can do because I work in a “suck it up” environment, but that’s changing, albeit slowly.
Anonymous4 years ago
Hi Marcie , absolutely I would comment this , my upline manager is a women, nonetheless I did discuss with her my pre-menopause symptoms. What I do now to reduce my stress level ,is make priorities at work and home and be less demanding with myself. I think that it is good also. to know why we are having certain symptoms, knowing it’s the natural response (menopause) and caring for ourselves helps us cope with our day to day + knowing I am not alone, we are many to support each other !
Anonymous4 years ago
I don’t work anymore but I hope you get the help you need.
Anonymous4 years ago
Wow! I wish i lived in the UK. Here in NYC there are no excuses and HR is generally useless. I actually had to go out on Family medical Leave to get help with anxiety. My female boss was piling work on. It didnt matter what i said. I went to her boss and then to his boss and to HR. No help! I had no other choice but to take medical leave. If your in NY or the US i would tread lightly with what you share. Its already well known women arent paid equally and now the make dominated companies will help with menopause symptoms?! … ha! In my dreams!
Anonymous3 years ago
Hi I too work in a mostly male environment which is good. However, my immediate boss I find from time to time slightly patronising. I haven’t as yet told him I’m menopausal but when he learnt I was on anti-depressants he suggested I get out and about and do 10 mins of exercise a day. I’m finding the issues I’m having at work are mainly: brain fog and complete loss of confidence which has resulted in a total lack of focus & motivation. I have twice written (but never sent) my resignation letter. I’m 100% convinced now that I am totally incapable of doing my job despite what people tell me. I’m also studying a masters part time & trying to move house. I’ve been single for 5 years & being in menopause at 44 & feeling rubbish most of the time has killed any desire to start dating again. I know so should mention the menopause effects to my line manager but I just feel like I’m making excuses for not doing my job properly.
Nekesha3 years ago
Hi Marcie, I definitely encourage you to discuss it with your boss. Make sure to be clear on how this is impacting you and what solutions and support you feel will help. This ensures that any possible he may have assumptions are addressed and allows you to lead the solution. Be encouraged and I hope all goes well.
Aileen2 years ago
Don’t be afraid to mention it, I mentioned it recently just jokingly and it was taken very serious the he lady really got involved and as now started attending sessions so do talk about it
Latasha McG😌🙏1 year ago
Wow…this is a tough one…only because your boss is a man. But that doesn't have to mean anything. I bring up the part about him being a man because I feel men cannot understand it (including my husband). But I also feel that as your boss he has a responsibility, as a good boss to look into it what his employees are experiencing. Me personally would be skeptical, but I would still try to find a way to inform him because these symptoms have a real effect on you. I ended up losing my job because of the extreme fatigue and the inability to focus, accompanied by migraines and sensitivity to light. Blessings!
Anonymous1 year ago
I’m self employed and there’s no boss for me. Also, no paid time off in my home country. Menopause symptoms caused me to miss two days of work and it was costly. I am telling my clients I’m having some health issues but not what it is. I wonder how honest I should be?
CB1 year ago
The brain fog has been a major issue for me at work also. Usually I’m able to multi-task and get a lot of things done. Since I started having these symptoms, I feel like a complete zombie!