Lately, sex has become increasingly… uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s downright painful. I’m generally aware of why this is happening (decreased estrogen, etc), but am curious what others have found to help get them back into the swing of things. I’m thinking, favorite lube brand, toy/device, a certain... technique? I’m up for anything!
- Alisha, Santa Barbara
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Gina6 years ago
I have the same question!!
Jo. Nottingham uk6 years ago
Me and my husband use lube now and it is a game changer! We have always had a healthy sex life but I was starting to get very uncomfortable. Now it’s fun again. I use a natural aloe Vera one now as I am very sensitive and prone to yeast infections. I don’t know if Ann Summers exists in The States, they do a great selection with flavours too. They also have a good selection of sex toys too. I find small, vibrating ‘finger’ toys work best for me. X
Alisha6 years ago
I'm so happy and hopeful to hear your sex life has become fun again. I was also lucky to not have many problems in that department, until recently that is ?It seems Ann Summers does ship to the US so I'll be spending some time window online shopping today. Thank you for the advice!
Anonymous6 years ago
Some women have found relief using KY Liqidbeads sold in most grocery stores. These beads are used daily in the vagina to replenish moisture and help with sensation.
Alisha6 years ago
How interesting- I hadn't even heard of beads. I'll be adding it to my 'products to research' list. Thank you for sharing!
Deb6 years ago
I have Vagifem (estradiol pessary) twice a week and then use Yes! organic lube/moisturiser on the other days. Still have problems with cystitis after sex sometimes but things aren’t quite as dry as they were. I’m still peri menopausal so I guess it’s still going to get worse- also in a relatively new relationship and having more and better sex than in my entire life, so it’s a bit of a pain - literally!
Alisha6 years ago
I have just ordered Yes! on Amazon thanks to your tip, I'm certainly up for trying something organic. I used lubricants sparingly in the past and the brands I used don't seem to do it anymore. I am hopeful about this one as you and another comment here recommended it. Thank you Deb. I'm rooting for you and your new relationship. Can't let these challenges our bodies throw at us hold us back!
Raven, California6 years ago
Have you been to the doc to rule out any infections? I was having a very difficult time with vag pH fluctuations, leading to recurring bouts of bacterial vaginosis and/or yeast infections. What a bummer, smelly and very uncomfortable sex. My doctor put me on a “localized“ estrogen that I used two times a week. It’s a tablet that you insert into the vag (doesn’t enter the bloodstream the same way other HRT does). I also started taking a vaginal health probiotic. Both definitely helped— though note they did not affect other symptoms like hot flashes, etc. Once I got that sorted things improved with sex — but that was over a year ago. Now as I advance farther in peri menopause I have noticed increased dryness and general lack of natural lubrication, more difficulty getting aroused, creating discomfort challenges again. I recently started taking a supplement called Membrasin that is supposed to help with vaginal dryness and lubrication. I’ve been taking it about 10 days and so far it seems to be helping add moisture down there. Gonna stick with it — as with most supplements it takes about 4 weeks to really feel an impact. In general, keeping a good blood flow in that area is important to keep the tissues healthy. So experiment with using lubricants, vibrators, fantasizing, reading erotica, etc. to keep things “active” down there. Exercises too like Kegels. I would also say that experimenting with positions has made a difference for me. Being on top or side to side reduces pain and pressure if I’m feeling tender down there. You’re in California, so if you are comfortable with the idea, you might try going to a dispensary and trying a THC/CBD infused lubricant. Supposed to help with arousal and orgasms. Haven’t done this yet but plan to, as I have heard good things. If you do please report back!
Alisha6 years ago
I hadn't considered seeing my doc yet but I probably should to rule things out. And I did not even think to look up supplements for this so I will be researching Membrasin today! It's great to hear you've found these things to be working for you, I appreciate all the helpful tips! I can't recall the last time I read erotica but maybe now is a good time to get back into it!
Lulu6 years ago
Hey Alisha and Gina, I have had exactly the same experience. Started with me about 3 years ago. Tried to battle through but it got worse over time. Eventually, I started getting multiple urinary tract infections too (ended up on antibiotics almost continuously for a year, as well as thrush) and my sex life became almost non-existent. After a long consultation with my doctor, she ended up prescribing a tablet form of estrogen (comes in a vaginal applicator) which I use twice a week. In the UK this is known under the brand name ‘vagifem’. I also take a systemic HRT (with combined estradiol/norethisterone) UK brand name is Novofem 1mg. I know that HRT is not everyone’s choice but I read all the research (I work in the medical field) and was satisfied that the benefits of taking HRT significantly outweighed the risks for me. Alongside my HRT, I have also tried multiple vaginal lubricants as the dryness, although much less, is still an issue for me as menopause progresses - I have been diagnosed with both atrophic vaginitis and atrophic urethritis. I have trialled lots and lots of lubricants and have found out that by far the best one is a brand called Sylk Intimate. It is made in New Zealand but readily available in the U.K. so guess they also ship to the USA? It’s main ingredients are water, kiwi fruit extract and xanthan gum. The texture feels very silky and not at all watery - similar to natural vaginal discharge. It is really easy to use - you can apply to yourself and/or your partner. Method of application during foreplay is entirely up to your imagination! I have also stopped using any perfumed soap/shower gel etc as I realised this also irritated my vagina too. I only use 100% fragrance and perfume free shower gel (Sanex 0% sensitive). I find this really helps reduce soreness and irritation. I still have periods and only use fragrance and perfume free, organic cotton sanitary towels (see kindorganic.com for an example). Apologies if this is seems a lengthy response but the dryness started off just like you described in your post and then just got worse and worse. Like you, I also wanted to keep what had been, up to that point, a great sex life with my partner. I have really struggled with this aspect of the menopause - the worst symptom for me by far. My partner has been incredibly understanding. He really has been so supportive throughout which has massively helped the situation. For me, it has required a multi-angled approach. The solutions above are what I have worked out is the best way to prevent painful sex, for me, having spent 2 years trying to get back to some sort of normality. For the last year, I have finally been able to enjoy an active sex life again with no soreness , no pain and no more urine infections. Hope my post helps? Good luck!
Alisha6 years ago
This is so helpful Lulu. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm glad I thought to be proactive about this as I would hate for this problem to get worse- it's certainly been my most challenging symptom! Like you I'm lucky to have a supportive partner but I've felt so down and even guilty when we have to stop or if the frequency of sex isn't what it used to be. After reading all the comments here I'll consult my doctor and see what treatment is right for me. In the meantime I have the fun job of trying out all these products and tips all of you have recommended. Thank you for the help!!
Lizzie6 years ago
Hi i’ve just been prescribed Vagifem for dryness and repeated urine infections, could you or anyone let me know did you get bleeding whilst on it or spotting? Enjoying life being period free so don’t really want the hassle again!!! Many thanks
ExpertTickler6 years ago
Hi, another vote for more ‘natural’ lube here, there’s a brand in the UK called Yes, which has both plant oil based and water based options in tubes, individual sachets or applicators. They suggest for the ultimate ‘glide’ using the oil based one first, then the water based one! I’d also say that the estrogen gel has helped settle the hormones down a bit too. Good luck.
Alisha6 years ago
You're the second person here to recommend this brand so I have followed both your advice and ordered me one. I'm very hopeful it works better than previous brands I've tried. Thank you!
Julie6 years ago
I have found love honey do a lubricant in a dispenser like soap so no tubes lids etc . Easy to use when needed . Works well
Alisha6 years ago
Dispenser would certainly be so much more convenient than tubes, what a great idea. Why don't more lubricants come in a dispenser ?Thank you for sharing! I've learnt so many helpful tips in this discussion
Kristinreplying to Alisha6 years ago
Yes comes in a dispenser - or at least there was one in my trial pack
Julia (RN, BSN) - Caria Coach6 years ago
Alisha, you are not alone in your struggles! Low estrogen draws blood away from your vaginal tissues so it can take longer to become aroused (and lack of your own natural lubricant can make the friction unbearable for sure). Others here have given some great tips on products and treatments you can try. Here are a couple more: T ry to get in the right headspace and do something relaxing before sex (like a bath or working out). Sex is such a mental game for women so being in the right mood and mindset can be extremely important. Start foreplay earlier by touching and kissing your partner throughout your day to build anticipation. Silicone or water-based lubes are usually best and are so helpful in making sex more enjoyable. Try using a vibrator before and during sex - the new sensations can be fun to explore. Because your recent sexual experiences have been painful, you need to re-train your brain to associate sex with pleasure so focus on other sexual activities that you enjoy and try new things by yourself and with your partner. Happy experimenting and keep us posted on your progress!
Alisha6 years ago
It's been challenging to be in the right headspace. You're right about the recent pain and discomfort putting me off from sex. I've found myself not looking forward to it like I used to. But this discussion has given me hope! I'm excited to try out all these tips ? Thank you Julia!
Lily6 years ago
I feel for you with this, Alisha. 45 and been having symptoms for about two years. I’ve been having the same kind of problem with discomfort, pain, dryness. Have tried a variety of lubricants, sticking with ‘Yes’ and ‘Sylk’ brands, as recommended by others here. Found them less sticky and didn’t have any irritating reactions from them. I also use the ‘Yes’ vaginal moisturiser outside of sexual activity, if it’s all feeling a bit dry and uncomfortable. I too have bemoaned the lack of decent dispensers, a tube is not ideal. Not easy to get the lubricant out of the tube/bottle in the heat of the moment. I have also bought a few different vibrators to try and help with stimulation. The magic wand variety are versatile and for me, kind of helps to warm the area up. I have struggled with discomfort in the clitoris area, too much friction is a total turn off sometimes. Also, my ability to orgasm has been all over the place, sometimes absent. I’ve needed to kind of get back into my own sexuality. Do a bit of self-exploration with written and audio erotica, with some pornography aimed at women, and generally give myself time to get in the mood ie switch off from the things that are not putting me in the mood. My partner has been ill at times during this period so we have both waxed and waned sexually a various points, and it has forced a certain amount of change and exploration. In terms of the pyschology of sexual desire I found Emily Nagoski’s book ‘Come as you are’ a mental game changer. I have also invested in a clitoral stimulator by Lelo, uses ultrasound not physical friction which has made a real difference to the pleasure I experience. Hopefully that is not too much information. I wish you all the best with your symptoms, and with finding your way through it all.
Alisha6 years ago
Thank you so much for sharing so much helpful advice! I hope it's ok if I ask, where do you find good erotica and pornography aimed at women? Id like to try it to "get in the mood" but have a hard time finding things I personally enjoy. So much of it doesn't seem targeted at a woman like me.
Kristinreplying to Alisha6 years ago
Laurell K Hamilton’s books about Merry Gentry are good if you like fantasy novels? In fact you may well find books much better, as we work on our own imaginations, but men prefer visuals usually. There’s a lot of urban fantasy that’s also classed as erotica.
Alishareplying to Kristin6 years ago
Thank you Kristin for the rec!
Lisa6 years ago
Alisha, I have always been dry down there during sex! Since I began having regular intercourse(in my early 20s), I’ve had to use lubrications. I’ve tried everything from KY to various oils. The one I finally settled on was fractionated coconut oil. I’m not allergic to nuts so it works really well for me. I also clean up after every time so I won’t have any other issues! FCO has been working for over 25 years for me. I prefer a combo of solid coconut oil with the fco. I don’t know if it matters but I use only organic and from companies I’ve researched and trust. The downside is that I have to have towels under me to keep the bed from getting oil on it but the sex is AMAZING.....so worth every effort!!
Candice6 years ago
This is so embarrassing to talk about and say but I don’t like to have sex anymore! I feel horrible about this and I use a lubricant that was suggested by my doctor and it works great but I just don’t want to have sex I feel like a horrible person! He is such a great husband and I want to enjoy our time together am I the only one who feels like this? Please help
Anonymous6 years ago
Hi Candice I have been reading all the replies to this post with great interest and taken notes etc. But I understand your plight completely. I feel for you - my long term partner and I have always had different levels of sexual desire, his being much higher than mine. ( this is normal but not very convenient) We have had to understand each other and be patient etc. You are not horrible at all! However I feel that the intimate side of our relationships are very important. I am aged 59 going to research ‘ erotica ‘ never tried it before but I am hoping it will help me become more aroused! I do use vibrators - have you tried them? My feeling is if you give up and close off then a part of you and your relationship will suffer. Best Wishes
Patti6 years ago
I’m in Canada and a woman here created a product for us to use daily and it is getting rave reviews. Maybe you can find something like it where you are. It’s a vaginal moisturizer (Hyaluronic Acid Vaginal Moisturizing Gel) by Menopause Chicks.
me6 years ago
vagifem 10 mcrg pessary in tbe vagina helped me with low oestrogen levels sex is less painful now