Ever since I started going through "the change" my body has been transforming in ways I never expected. While I'm okay in most departments, the most troubling development is that I've lost my desire for sex. I miss sharing that physical intimacy with my husband and am searching for ways to rekindle the flame. Please share some suggestions for what to try.
- Jessica, South Dakota
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LovinLyfe6 years ago
Age is only a number on your driver’s license. True, we may not quite have the sexual energy we used to have and our bodies are not what they were in our twenties or thirties, but we refuse to let this stop us from living our lives to the fullest, and doing what we want to do, including having a mutually satisfying (read incredible) sex life in the bedroom.
Susan *Caria Expert6 years ago
Thanks for sharing your story, Jessica127. Loss of sexual desire can be a particularly challenging aspect of menopause. Psychological issues – including depression, stress and relationship problems – can dampen sexual desire. But as women age, physical changes play a role too. A decreased production of estrogen, which can cause vaginal dryness, thinning and tightening, makes sex painful for 64% of women, according to the North American Menopause Society. However, 84% of menopausal women said maintaining an active sex life was still important, according to a recent Obstetrician & Gynecologist study. Fortunately, having an active sex life after menopause is still possible – with a little work, patience and experimentation. Many women I talk to who complain about low libido are interested in sex, but they become frustrated when it takes a long time to get aroused or have an orgasm. So they stop responding to their interest because it's just not worth it. Alleviating pain is usually the first step. To help with pain caused by dry, thinning skin, start by using a water-based vaginal moisturizer. Don’t use oil-based products; these cause skin problems for some women and may promote yeast infections. Once pain is managed, how can you boost a low libido? Start an active practice of thinking about sex. Set an alarm on your phone for three to five times a day. Try erotic movies or books to get you in the mood. Just thinking about sex regularly helps. Spontaneous, body-instigated lust happens only when we fall in love. It’s not realistic to think that’s going to last. You also need to schedule sex, just like you may have done if you had children – only now the oven takes longer to preheat, so you need to schedule more time. I also find that little adventures work well, look for ways to spice things up inside (and outside!) the bedroom.
Sherry736 years ago
Lots of useful info! My partner and I scheduled dates nights every week. We didn’t put pressure on anything happening, but given enough time we usually got where we needed to go. Good luck, ladies!
Jude6 years ago
I get very embarrassed talking about sex with my partner although we’ve been together for a very long time. I also feel like I’m depriving him of sex although I can not bring myself to initiate sex. What can I do?
Hannahreplying to Jude6 years ago
Hi Jude - this is something I can relate to as it took me some time and practice to get better at communicating. Can I ask - what do you feel you'd like to communicate more to your partner but are too embarrassed to? Are you hoping to help your partner understand how your desire/libido is changing, or hoping to encourage them to initiate sex more, or something else?
Autumnreplying to Jude3 years ago
I’m the Same way right now and it’s really taking a toll
Sherry736 years ago
I struggled with this a couple years ago, but found things that worked for me and my partner. Keep at it and you’ll get that flame back ;)
Harmony26 years ago
Other than erotic (not interested). Please can you share what helped?
Sherry73replying to Harmony26 years ago
It was a combination of things really. After a long time of feeling down and confused (things always just "worked" before) I decided to take charge. First, my husband and I tried date night, but this only made things worse because we felt even more pressure to be intimate since we had carved out time in our busy schedules specifically for that. After this initial disappointment, we eventually (over several months) learned to just focus on enjoying our time together and became less concerned that the night had to end with sex. It was around this time I also made a concerted effort to eat better and exercise more. In fact, I think the exercise had a huge impact. I would usually try and get a run in before date night. That seemed to clear my head and the spike of endorphins, along with a glass of wine ;) helped put me in the right mood. I wish I had simpler advice, but it was really a lot of trial and error. But the most important step was realizing it wasn't going to come so easily anymore and that I needed to change things up and make it a priority. I think it's also important to stop blaming yourself and realize that loss of desire is a common thing for a lot of women at this age. I know this mental shift helped put my mind at ease a bit so I could focus on solutions and not just the problem. Sorry to ramble on, hope some of this helps!
Victoriareplying to Sherry736 years ago
Thank you Sherry73, it’s so helpful to have detail and hear your personal experiences. It has helped to remind me that life is a journey. It’s good to practice and try things out! Remembering that we learn just as much from what didn’t work as from what does. It’s the 100 ‘rehearsals’ that make the show great!
Alexxreplying to Sherry736 years ago
Thank you for sharing that, Sherry!
Dizzy Drawersreplying to Sherry736 years ago
Excellent Sherry, thank you. I’m lucky to have a partner in my life who is understanding but I feel bad that he doesn’t have me ‘in my prime’. I’ve renewed hope though and have just remembered how healthy and attractive I felt when I was exercising regularly. ??♀️
Anonymous6 years ago
I have lost the desire to be touched and for any kind of intimacy. I often feel repulsed, it’s such a strong word but it’s a feeling that passes through me. Intimacy is what keeps me and my partner together as a team and as a couple. All I can say is it’s a little like exercise. Once you start you actually do enjoy it. It’s the getting going for me that’s the issue. Once I do it’s good. I really make the effort because it’s what keeps us alive and I made a deal with myself to not give up. The feelings and desires are there. You’ve just got to dig a little deeper.
Autumn3 years ago
Oh my goodness this is exactly how I feel an I mean exact I remember we had sex awhile back (over a year ladies) and kissing the dirty talk the 4 play I can’t do it like I’m not Together with it but once we just had sex it was okay for awhile maybe your right maybe I just need to try to ignore my not wanting to but I just don’t know how to just do that it makes me want to go hide an now it’s been so long initiating it seems awkward or uncomfortable an I just feel lost but sex was what we had strong between us an now it’s just sad how far we have drifted
Lisa6 months ago
I really resonate with this. I’ve always had great sex drive and ever since jumping on the perimeno wagon I really struggle with initiating, or even wanting to have sex. SO, what I started doing is tracking when we are having sex. Intimacy is important so what works (for me!) is that if I’ve gone more than 3 days without being intimate, I initiate, (even if I’m not rightly in the mood) Once we get in the groove, I find my body naturally wanting to be more engaged (getting back on the horse if you will lol) This also takes some pressure off because if i’m not feeling it on other days, my hubs is super understanding and I can just not feel like I “have” to have sex. Appreciate everyone’s openness to have this discussion!
Jackie6 years ago
Being in love is the most beautiful experience on earth. Making love is every expression shared through the five senses - such as touching his/her arm as you pass each other in the passage; or giving him a kiss on his shoulder as he fixes the lamp; or him giving you a wild flower that he picked off during his morning run... it is those conscious actions of “making the love” throughout the day that leads up to the intimacy of the sexual act. Sadly we forget how to perform acts of making love due to the pressures of day to day life. Making love and sex is not lust; and it should not be scheduled like another appointment... it is spontaneous binding and connecting when two people are in love ...and it should not be mistaken for anything else. As for menopause- it is disruptive - but we can overcome it by embracing it as a part of who we are - this then takes the pressure off the body trying to deal with our stresses..so we welcome it and accept - that already is a huge weight off the shoulders..try it along with the breathing and it will make a huge difference to the way you feel about love, sex, and menopause... We can do this... for ourselves and for our partners.
Connie6 years ago
Jackie - thank you for sharing your perspective. There's a lot of wisdom in what you said. Intimacy is so much more than intercourse, and the small acts you mentioned can be very helpful in feeling closer to our partners physically and mentally. I'm certainly going to try and remind myself of this more often, and communicate this to my partner as well.
Jackiereplying to Connie6 years ago
Thank you Connie. I’m pleased to have shared and more pleased that you found it useful...love is on the inside of us all...all we need to learn is how to tap into it and share it...
Mary6 years ago
My husband and I don’t penetrate anymore. We kiss, cuddle, touch each other and are sweet and loving towards each other. It is enough for us. We also talk about these things with each other.
Autumn3 years ago
That’s all I want but sex is needed for my partner so any intimacy he takes it as nothing if it won’t lead to sex because it’s been so long I must say I feel you are one of the lucky ones
Gillian6 years ago
My husband and I have found afternoon delight works for us, especially during the lockdown. We laugh about opening a window ‘of opportunity’ but even if it is just a kiss and cuddle or one pleasuring the other we both enjoy this time together.
Mx6 years ago
Reading your thoughts has been enlightening - thank you Ladies! Mx
Anonymous6 years ago
I have totally lost all desire for my husband ?
Monica5 years ago
We are very touchy, hug often, and hold hands but sex was a bit predictable and often not satisfying for me and I think for him either. I was nervous about being dry or smelly or so many things that have changed in my body. I decided to talk about it, although it was embarrassing at first we eased into the conversation. He had so many issues about his changes too. We ended up masturbating in front of each other and exploring what felt right. It opened a whole new experience for us and brought our intimacy to new levels. We may experiment with some toys later on, who knows, but it has been a fun, healthy new way to embrace aging together and being compassionate with ourselves and our individual changes.
Anonymous5 years ago
This is so cool Monica. You and your man are clearly very connected to each other. Have fun with this new side of your relationship.
Anonymous5 years ago
I’ve been with my man for almost 30 years and we have maintained a really good sex life through three pregnancies and beyond. This peri Meno time is really testing my inventiveness to the extreme. We have recently started formal dance lessons and those are a very good way to get hold of each other with intention and purpose ? My main body sensations are currently tiredness, joint pain and heartburn!!!!! (I recall having a go on Amylnitrate many years ago), I’d love to feel a rush in my body again. Shan’t be using that though, as it destroys brain cells and I probably don’t have many to spare at this stage ?
Dee5 years ago
Dear anonymous... yep me too... I have absolutely no desire for sex, by myself or with my husband. I had a full hysterectomy when I was 35, medical reasons so no family despite IVF etc and for at least 15-20years, while sex was VERY intermittent, I also had pain when having sex around the cervix area and was very dry. Initially I was prescribed HRT which sort of made it tolerable re dryness and pain... Then Dr stopped this... when I reached 55 so all the dryness came back, my joints ache, sweats... I have terrible day and particularly night sweats! But more importantly, I have no desire what so ever to get sexy, have sex ?♀️ (before anyone suggests this... yep... I blamed myself went to therapists, (lack of baby issues), got checked by GP re internals etc (they can’t explain the pain), used lubricants blah blah... tried all the role scenarios going ?? makes me laugh now (BTW pain is like a deep spasming nerve pain). Now I don’t feel sexy in any shape or form, have no libido, not interested... nothing!
Carol5 years ago
Oh Dee so sorry for your situation. I can sympathise with the pain in the cervix area, my pain started there during my last smear test about 8 wks ago, just turned 61 my desire for sex is there but the pain is off putting. Been to docs n like you No real explanation, treatment at first of antibiotics for infection ha ha? Then now on vagifem, internal tablets, no relief with that either, the cervix pain gets you down eh and no reason for it! Depressing ?
Deereplying to Carol5 years ago
Very depressing Carol! Sorry to hear you have similar pains..Thanks for replying! Sounds strange, but if I knew what was causing the pain, and that some medical person can give some explanation ... I think I’d feel better instead of thinking ah well must be me then!!?♀️ Feeling like I’m Obviously Imagining it! My Gyn, and doctor just shrug their shoulders and say mmm don’t know what the cause is!! I personally think ...It MUST be something to do with the cervix scar tissue ...as I never had it before my hysterectomy! Yet everyone who’s given me an examination says they can’t see anything wrong?♀️ If only I could bend over and see myself??? Mirrors don’t help???I’ve tried?? I’m sure there’s a nerve ending that’s been damaged... no wonder they can’t see it! ( do we even have nerve endings around there?? ?♀️?♀️ Only explanation I can give it!) Nothing seems to help! This just seems to be Like so many other things when you reach “that certain age” it gets side swerved by doctors ...as being unimportant! Hey ho!? it is to me!?
Marcy5 years ago
I too am going through the absolute no libido. I am 47 and been going through menopause for 2 years (well it’s been 2 years since had last period). I started losing my libido when I hit peri menopause and it still has not returned. I have the terrible dryness and pain and have tried multiple different lubricants, which has kinda helped the dryness but not the pain. I have even tried OTC medications for low libido, but those are a joke. Nothing seems to help and I don’t know what to do either. I am newly remarried to a wonderful, understanding man but I know it is hard on him with me never wanting to have sex. And that is hard on my mental health as I want to be able to give him that part of me. How long is this going to last???? ?? There has to be something that helps. As I was reading through this thread, someone mentioned they started exercising and that helped, which does make since. I am one that does not exercise except the occasional walk with my dog and husband, but I believe for it to help the exercise probably needs to make one breath a little heavier than at normal sedentary rate and probably should cause you to sweat. Maybe I can train myself to start and stick with some form of daily exercise regimen ?♀️
Autumnreplying to Marcy3 years ago
I too don’t excersize however I recently have the free trial on my phone called fitness and it offers workouts that are as quick as 5 min from yoga to dance to whatever an I’ve recently watched the videos (I know why not join) but I think that’s my best bet on excersize it’s because I can start small an it had to make someone feel good afterward to do something healthy right ??
Autumn3 years ago
I feel the same way not with myself or him no porn nothing I just don’t have any feeling or interest for it an I wish I did but then again I don’t care if I do I only want to for his sake I guess
sunny5 years ago
der Caria my last partner , hand never had sex before , his still in his 30 years, before him I used to be sexually active, but since the pandemic things went downhill, how can I get back up top again part of me had lost interest, but I would like to be interest again , how can I get out of this funk
Anonymous5 years ago
I had the exact same issue. I had PCOS before my full hysterectomy. My doctor told me it’s most likely because I no longer have PCOvaries creating testosterone. I started taking ONE of my husbands male specific adaptogenic herb supplements and have noticed a HUGE difference. Stella got her groove back. ?. I forgot to put my name- Lindsay Moore
Anonymous4 years ago
Anon- I just listened to a podcast (Bodies, season 1:1)that mentions not just low testosterone levels but also a protein that our body creates that prohibits absorption of the testosterone. This causes a thinning of the cervix membrane and leads to painful intercourse. So ironic that we go from desire to nada. I would like to know remedies.
Anonymous5 years ago
I’m struggling with an aspect of sex that I haven’t read much about. Not only do I not get “horny” but I’ve also had a loss of sensation internally and externally. Sadly, I am so slow to respond to my husband’s touch and I struggle to have orgasms if at all. When I Do have them, they are so mild, I hardly know they have occurred. It’s really frustrating! We have no relational issues so it’s not that. I’m on bio-identical tester one pellets. They helped at first but not anymore. Any one have ideas or also experiencing this?
Anonymous5 years ago
I’m 53 not had a period since 2019, all the usual problems joints, hot sweats and very high anxiety but the worse by far is the pain experienced during intercourse. My husband and I have been together for 36yrs always had a great sex life but obviously it became less frequent with children/teenagers then young adults in the house. High days and holidays if lucky! Now we have reached a stage where you think use it or lose it BUT I’m so tight it’s excruciating. I had children by caesarean which I’m told doesn’t help! ? I recently went for cervical screening asked the nurse to use the smallest speculum and even then she struggled, consequently I bled which she said I would, only minimal but this is what happens with intercourse now! I feel sad, depressed and embarrassed by the whole situation. Husband's brilliant but what’s he really thinking?! This is a huge step for me to offload on here, so thank you for giving me the confidence to do it!
April4 years ago
I also have no desire for sex. my husband has MS so we've struggled with impotence issues our whole marriage. As I started having vaginal dryness it just felt like too much work. Sometimes I wish we could rekindle that. It would make my husband happy. It also doesn't help to be on antidepressants. Im post menopausal.
Taia4 years ago
I agree with loss of of desire and I feel like my husband has been struggling with this as well, however I find myself more wanting sex than less and I am confused with this?