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Since menopause introduced itself into my life, many of my peer-aged, female friends have admitted to experiencing a similar, less-than-ravenous libido. The discussions don’t generally open with private details share-fest. But, once the topic of “love life” comes up, (usually mine), everyone starts spilling their secrets.
The gals and I meet monthly for a coffee get-together. (It’s the kind where we’re loitering so long, we see barista shift changes and the manager’s beard actually growing back in.)
I’ll perhaps gush about my new Zumba instructor, a controversial commentary in this week’s The New Yorker, or the pungent tomato I procured in my organic, indoor, veggie garden. And, we’ll all get excited!
However, during the conversation, because I’m unmarried as well as unattached to a partner, a girlfriend will inevitably ask, “So, how’s your love life?”
Bingo! That’s the question that opens the Menopause Box. (That sounds so weird, I know.) But check it out…
Girlfriend: “How’s your love life?”
Me: “You know, I have so many things going on, that, honestly, dating—well, sex—is not really my priority right now.”
All Girlfriends: “I know what you mean!”
Immediately, my whole gal group is chiming in. And of course, the behind-the-counter artisan-sandwich heater-upper-guy is mortified.
A few of the ladies even follow up with disclaimers like, “I love my husband, but, for me, that ship has sailed.”
This is the where the code gets cracked. The Menopause Box opens and then, shamelessly, hidden truths are exposed, albeit in a public java joint.
Of course, here’s where we need to differentiate between two people getting bored of the same bed-play routine after 20+ years, and those of us who are finding innumerable other things in life so fulfilling and exciting that sex is now competing for our attention instead of demanding it.
I can personally attest to a notable shift in my priorities due to menopause. For the past 35 years, I’ve spent endless hours of energy focused on sex, reproduction, and child-rearing. All of a sudden, (well, really, three years of mood swings, hot flashes, and 8,000 missing strands of hair), I’ve been gifted with a lightness. A specific type of relief. An energy reserve—one that’s comfortably weighted with wisdom, strength, and intense personal vision.
I’m not saying I’m not interested in sex anymore. It’s just that it’s not what drives me.
The need for intimacy still exists, but it’s not the physical aspect that begs to be on the marquee. Certainly, when in a relationship, sex is an essential aspect. But, if I am truthful, (and especially not being in a relationship), there are probably 25 other things I’d rather do first.
Honestly, I get so much more done these days! I’m allowing time for exercise, quirky hobbies, and many of these are in the company of female peers. I joined a group called WhatTheFifties?!, which is actually comprised of women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s, both single and married. We get together once or twice a week to play Pickleball, craft our vision boards, compete as the WTF trivia team at the local brewery, and indulge in a few other activities.
Alas, some of those other things we do, may help to save the world.
Many of us women have a strong desire to use this newly found energy and utilize it towards the creation and implementation of constructive projects—those within our communities as well as global ones.
Saving the world doesn’t necessarily mean forcing everyone to exchange their house for a yurt, their car for a bike, or running for president of the United States, (although all these have crossed my mind). We’re becoming active in thousands of ways that can contribute positively to the state of humanity, as well as to the Earth on which we live. These efforts are not only calling us, but are important, if not essential.
Since menopause, my priorities have shifted. Nature has done its job. Now it’s time for me to do mine. It’s the time my girlfriends are also finding ways to put their efforts towards the betterment of all.
I volunteer with the girls’ track team. One friend collects gently-used single socks and packages pairs of mix-matched ones for those who have no access to keeping their feet warm or protected. Another gal pal makes organic baby food from fruits in her garden (free of processing chemicals and pesticides.) One more middle-aged female friend travels to hurricane-destroyed and war-torn areas to listen to victims’ stories to alleviate their PTSD. And another post-menopause lady simply goes to the local library once a week and reads to kids after school.
Jane Fonda expanded on the nature of the post-menopausal female in her Ted Talks appearance not quite a decade ago. She reminded the audience that older women are the largest demographic in the world.
With that, Ms. Fonda urged, “…if we (women) can go back and redefine ourselves and become whole, this will create a cultural shift in the world. And it will give an example to younger generations so they can reconceive their own lifespan.”
I believe that this is one of my callings. I also believe it to be the same for countless women in my generation currently, whether they understand it in these words or consciously at all.
With that said, it seems pretty tough in that arena of driving motivation for sex to be a front-runner. In the best of circumstances, however, perhaps we can save the world and still reward ourselves with great sex. This would be a win-win for everyone.
Have you had a similar journey, or have thoughts to share? Comment below.
Community comments
24Real experiences shared by the community, from the original discussion to today.
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Anonymous6 years ago
I know exactly what you mean !! Enjoying walks together ,just quality time seems much more fulfilling. Don’t get me wrong the physical bond is still important but not the most important thing right now .
Oksana6 years ago
I totally agree with you! I hold my husband’s hand when we’re in the car or when I go to sleep. And I feel it’s quite enough to make me happy ?
Azi6 years ago
Though single, I still yearn companionships not necessarily sex, but someone who understands me & a little bit of what I’m going through someone to comfort me in my hour of need or a little encouragement to make my self that little bit better.. I just feel really lonely because the kids just don’t understand my struggle!! ?
Alexandra6 years ago
Also single, divorced for 16 years, and yearning for that understanding, hand holding, bonding on a deeper level, intimacy, but not achieving all of that with sex, man. By the same token, I’ve changed so much, and now feel unattractive, undesirable and much more, so I’m not even going anywhere to might find someone. I’d never thought life at 50 would be so confusing.
BarbieZ6 years ago
Well, I’m single and still crave sex on a daily basis. The problem is that I don’t have a partner and with my depression and recent relocation to a different state, I don’t have the urge to find a partner. I tried the internet thing in my 30’s and early 40’s. Trying in my 50’s is not an option.
Deni6 years ago
Couldn’t agree with you more. I’m also single after successfully divorcing two years ago and successfully recalibrating. And although I don’t suffer from psychological problems, I’m finding options for finding a partner limited and/or challenging. Internet dating is not an option for me either. I’m too old (52 but great genes means I look much younger. Not sure if that’s good or bad now!) to kiss a bucket load of frogs before kissing someone for a bit longer. What’s a girl to do??
Passingby6 years ago
It’s the sharp drop in hormones. Wild Yam or progesterone cream may help. It used to be top of my list and I’m only in Peri menopause will full periods still. I do worry about hubby and potential cheating if it goes out of the window completely. I find myself wanting natural remedies, and so far Pregnenolone is a life saver for energy and return of memory. It’s odd that men are wild stallions all their lives yet we go through massive changes... I don’t know how the women of yesterday coped or how marriages survived. The menopause is a cruel twist in some ways yet liberating in others. Sex is not top of the list but finding my full mojo again is...
Lallie6 years ago
Having been deserted at the beginning of the year trust is a big big issue now for me. I miss the closeness of someone although the last 10 years had been like that anyway, but now it seems a bigger hole than before.
CathyC6 years ago
Think my situation is similar
Justme6 years ago
I want someone who knows how to console me and just be there for sleeping at night its time maybe to move on to someone more my type
Lena6 years ago
I am an going through the start of the menopause. I have no desire to want sex, I just want to sleep after a busy day of homeschooling thanks to lockdown. My daughter is 8yrs old & full of energy, so I’m on the go from 7am - 8pm ?. My husband is now working from home which is hard as I’m used to him working away Mon - Friday, so I’m in a routine & he messes it up. I’m hoping once the gyms are open in Scotland I will get some urge for SEX.
Justme6 years ago
My husband is retired and has never had anything in common not even friends!! Or sports and has tried to treat me like I can’t do anything it’s just I want something else not even took me on any vacation or trip to nice beaches but now I would rather go alone to Aruba!!! Or a friend
Just Mereplying to Justme6 years ago
Lena, Maybe going to Aruba alone is what you need. Time for you to relax, and take a deep breath just for you. Maybe a friends weekend getaway or something like that just to make you feel good. Opinion of a wayward menopausal lady. Hang in there and remember you can do anything if you set your mind to it, you are amazing! ?
Kat6 years ago
I just turned 50 this year. I’ve been separated for a year now after being with my husband for 24 years. I miss the hand holding and other small intimacies of being with a partner. I’m afraid that I won’t find that again, not sure I’m ready to put myself out there yet. My husband had been stationed overseas when I found out he had cheated and trust is an issue. But being peri menopausal, sex it’s at the top of the list, I’m not sure it’s even on the list and that scares me....just trying to reclaim myself.
Anonymous4 years ago
Me too except the hand holding etc came with a crazy huge libido. Never made love so often in my life. It is wonderful.
Anonymous6 years ago
I am 100% relating to this. Sex doesn’t drive me anymore, and there’s 100 other things I feel I could be doing. I wish it weren’t that way, as sex always used to be a priority for me and my husband has definitely noticed the shift. I crave intimacy - cuddling, quality time in conversation, listening to music, watching the stars together - much more than Sexual intimacy. I’m grateful my husband is intuitive though and being open and honest with one another, has made the world of difference ❤️
Just Me6 years ago
Sex... isn't that funny. Your breasts hurt, you feel bloated and swollen, your hairs falling out, your weight has shifted up and down ten pounds till ya fill like a yoyo, you don't have the energy to get out of bed and when you do you walk around with hot flashes, your hair sticking to face and every little thing sets off a mood that spins your head around and then your so violently angry. You might catch yourself and realize what you're doing and then bam you are in tears and snot is running down your face and you're exhausted! ? My husband is running for the door! All of that above is so true. Told in a joking manner because I need to be at the moment. Sex is something that's a big subject around my house. I just don't think of it the way I used to and he doesn't understand at all.
Amanda6 years ago
Your post was a great read.. empathy hun, you made me laugh out loud! I used to instigate sex but I just don’t feel attractive enough anymore and too knackered to be bothered! Shocking really. Hoping the sex fairy will leave an aphrodisiac under my pillow and I’ll wake up all rejuvenated and care free! My husband would be delighted I’m sure ?
Anonymous6 years ago
I miss it so much. I’ve been genuinely happily married for 22 years, never tempted to shag anyone else, but definitely enjoyed my wild oats before I settled down. I just loved feeling desire and walking around feeling full of that kind of energy, glorying in it. I used to feel sort of lit up and alive with it and it’s like a light has just gone out.
Anonymous6 years ago
I’m 56 and my partner is 8 years younger. My sexual appetite is no different to when I was young, I’m still just as ravenous and I love that I am!
Anonymous6 years ago
My husband of 5 years had hifu prostrate cancer surgery 4 months ago, he is an active 60 year old and we have been together 10 years. I’m 57 and having taken HRT for 3-4 years decided it was no longer for me. I have hot flushes, hair shedding and some weird dietary intolerances now, I get stressed but that was always the case! We love each other without question immensely. We hug, we kiss we express our love all the time. We do however, sleep in separate rooms, due to different bedtime routines and night waking for both of us. It’s the only way we feel able to ensure the other is not affected by our conditions. I sometimes feel I want to have sex but not that often. I have no idea how to start the conversation now the surgery is out of the way and our life should be returning to some level of normality. Anyone have any advice to get the conversation going...... I’m never shy with him but this one has me in knots over how to begin again....... Thank you
Anonymous6 years ago
I am in the Peri- menopause and 52 years old. I recently divorced my husband of 18 years. I am now in a new relationship and sex has never been better. My libido is off the scale. We have an amazing love life! I have just started hrt for the mood swings so hoping that it helps.
Anonymous6 years ago
I was the absolute horniest, a porn star in my 40’s. I feel guilty now that it’s a struggle to have sex with my hubby once a month. Of course, he wants sex all the time. Fortunately he is very understanding and is empathetic to the stuff happening with me and menopause. I tell him at least once a week that I will get him a horny girl on tinder but he won’t hear of it. I told him I would try to break out my fave sex toy on Sundays and we can try to reconnect. Other than that we are always cuddling and kissing and adoring each other. I do miss the good old days of boinking all the time!!
Anonymous5 years ago
I didn’t get to experience raging teenage hormones as menopause kicked in while I was finishing puberty. I always wondered what it would be like to have a libido. I mean, I’ve had plenty of sex but it’s as perfunctory to me as going to the bathroom. Something to appease partners that’s not meant anything to me. I feel like I’ve missed out on an essential aspect of the human experience.