What was I going to write about?
Oh, right. Mental changes during menopause.
If menopause has made your thinking a little less quick and focused than it used to be, you’re most definitely not alone.
When I hit a certain age and menopause was starting to make its presence known, I started to notice mental changes. Nothing too big at first–a bit of a lag in short-term memory or words not coming as quickly in conversation.
If you’ve been experiencing some of those changes, you may feel anything from irritation to panic. You can’t help but wonder about the big scary things, like dementia.
But living with these changes for a while, I’m doing a lot less worrying and a lot more accepting. Now I see them as just another age-related change, like only being able to play tennis for one hour, not three. Or, certain body areas being a bit more southward than they used to be.
None of us are immune to the passage of time, it seems, and if it did any good to rail against that, we’d be all for it. But, resisting things that you can’t change is only a recipe for unhappiness.
As a long-time meditator and meditation teacher, I found menopause to be one of my greatest teachers. Sounds a bit Pollyanna, I know. But, it’s true.
The mental changes I experienced challenged some of my ideas about who I was–a reasonably intelligent and I-like-to-think-quick witted person. If those qualities that I identified as very “me” were fading, then who was I? It was scary and, at first, the changes evoked a lot of self-criticism. “What’s the matter with you? You’re getting more stupid each day.”
Really.
When I actually heard that self-talk I was pretty shocked. I saw that I was failing miserably at two basic meditation principles: acceptance and compassion. You don’t need a meditation practice to see how those qualities might bring peace and perspective to difficult situations.
So, I went on a kind of mission to remember and practice acceptance and compassion.
First, I remembered that acceptance doesn’t mean, “Oh, yay, I’m so glad this is happening!” It just means, “Oh, this is happening. I see that and I’m not going to argue with reality.” I accept my body is less powerful, why? Because it is. I accept my mind isn’t quite as quick, why? Simply because it is. It’s just true.
And, second, I practiced self-compassion. I was frustrated, disoriented and even scared sometimes about being less mentally sharp. I practiced self-compassion when those feelings came up. I did my best to send back compassion, rather than criticism or running away from those difficult feelings. I stayed with myself, instead of abandoning myself.
For whatever it may be worth, that’s what I’ve found the most helpful: accepting, just seeing reality as it already is, and caring about my own feelings around that reality.
Again, you don’t need to have any spiritual beliefs to do these things. If you’re troubled by mental changes, you can try taking a few minutes to sit quietly with these kinds of contemplations.
My thinking is different than it used to be. Can I just accept that as it is? What would happen if I let go of my “fight” around it?
Is there some other quality, strength or value that I might find if I relied less on my usual way of thinking?
It takes me eight seconds to come up with a word instead of two. Does that really matter? What DOES really matter?
Is there something in the way of my acceptance? A fear of losing a part of myself or being less capable?
How am I responding to these feelings?
Can I be compassionate with myself when I feel scared or frustrated? If not, why not?
And how does my experience change when I can accept or be compassionate in the moment?
And I do some practical things, too, like really, really paying attention when I know something is important. I’m more likely to remember it or just remember to write it down! It wasn’t until I’d accepted the changes that I could get practical about them with tricks like this.
In the end, what works for you is what matters. This kind of practice was really helpful to me and helped me to be more accepting and caring toward other people, too. I could see more clearly how everyone has some kind of limitation, no matter how old, successful or talented they are.
I wish you acceptance and self-compassion around menopausal changes of all kinds. You may discover some hidden talents and dreams when you do.
How have you approached mental changes during menopause? Share your thoughts below.
Community comments
56Real experiences shared by the community, from the original discussion to today.
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Figleaf6 years ago
Your reflection on the negative self-talk made me feel like I was reading about myself. I’m guilty of doing that when I feel my body is failing me. But this essay was the reminder I needed today to be compassionate to myself and my body. Thank you for sharing your story and advice.
Gul6 years ago
Thank you for sharing your experience, I can totally relate. I think you’re right we need to accept the reality but at the same time we can gently work our brain. Brain games have helped me. Also playing fish, animal, bird with the kids, feeling brain dead but still managing to win has boosted my confidence! I’ll enjoy it will it lasts!
Jane6 years ago
Thank you for that. I’m feeling lost and taking some time out to try and reset and I’m finding it very hard. Brain fog, motivation, high and low very flat emotions and beating myself up about everything are things I’m struggling with. Accepting thats the way it is in some aspects is helping me not judge myself so harshly. I think a big dose a self-compassion is very much due.
Sandra6 years ago
Me too Jane Although I do meditate, even getting into making a consistent practice is challenging. A big dose of self compassion needed here too.
Anonymousreplying to Sandra6 years ago
You have compassion from me Sandra :) at times we have so much to deal with we can’t always fit to a pattern, some meditations we feel we engage other times it will come another day! xx
Sandra6 years ago
Hi Ann This is such a great reminder!! Thank you!! I do meditate but I’ve found meditating consistently challenging. I know that is when you really need it most, but frustratingly, it can be hard to get yourself into that quiet space. Sandra
Anonymous6 years ago
I needed to read this today. I had that moment where I stopped and asked the universe “is this it? Is this the moment when the dementia sets in? Is this what it feels like?” I’m scared, but reading that others have felt this helps. Now figuring out the next step is…
Azi6 years ago
I have never thought of this time of my life because I have been quite fit & healthy until now, I get tired more easily & irritated more easily too, I was never like that, I use to be calm & collected.. I hope & pray I don’t get any worse.. I hope this is just a passing phase & I learn to love myself again, I feel like I have let myself down..
Amanda6 years ago
Hi Azi, I know exactly how you feel... I have always thought of myself as a physically strong woman who could hold her own so to speak. I have good and bad days with all of the associated symptoms of menopause. The thing I found most disturbing for me though, was the irritability. I can feel like I moan all the time and little things going wrong would turn a light mood into a grumpy mood quite quickly. I bought myself a plain book, you know like a diary...I use this book to write in, whenever I feel niggled, irritated, sad, lost, unreasonable! You get the gist... I moan in it! Write down worries etc, all the things people (family) don’t want to hear. I can have a good swear and moan about my very patient husband and grown up daughters, grandchildren and definitely me! I’ve titled the book angst! and I’ve used it for three years, sometimes I write in it regularly and then I may not write in it for months, i found it helpful.. it’s nice to have a good gripe then close the book and get on with life ! X
Brooke6 years ago
I feel that I’m stuck in a relentless cycle of grieving for my lost self. My brain and mood and fatigue issues have become so bad that I quite suddenly dropped out of my beloved career as a trial lawyer and now I feel like my remaining years are going to be a steady diminishing of who I was and what I used to be able to do. I feel consumed by the idea of unfairness— how a lifetime of fighting to overcome the sexism of life, including work, is ended by a wrecking ball that my male colleagues won’t experience. I’m only 44 and I’m wondering what the rest of life will mean and how I can face years of this grief.
Anonymous6 years ago
I have fought against ME for 26 years with similar symptoms . I am have menopause symptoms added and it has tipped me over , not sure I can work as a nurse anymore and need to pay my mortgage. Not a moan from me but as women we are stronger than we think we are more than we believe ourselves to be . We are women and should be proud of what we have achieved in our lives and celebrate it .
Catherine6 years ago
I can relate. I’m only 43 and have noticed symptoms that prevent me being able to perform well at work for a couple of years now. I would love to give up my job as I find it quite hard to cope at times. And even though my organisation are menopause-aware, I sometimes feel like I’ll be perceived as weak if I say I’m struggling (my perception, not fact). I felt particularly groggy, anxious and down today... like, REALLY off... then I remembered this app and what really helps me is reading that you are all going through it too. That makes me feel like I’m not alone, we’re all in this together... and that must make it normal. And that in itself is a big relief and comfort for me. Thank you ☺️
Sallyreplying to Catherine6 years ago
Completely agree with you Catherine. Hang in there! ❤️
Kristinareplying to Catherine1 year ago
Yeeeesssss!!!!
Sally6 years ago
So sad to hear you had to leave your career. I dread having to do that myself and the thought has crossed my mind. I truly hope you find help to cope with this.
Anonymous6 years ago
Oh dear Brooke. So saddened to say I completely relate. My career trajectory has also been wholly impacted by not only the challenging physical symptoms of menopause, but the grief you refer to. Having been in private practice for years, working as both a transformational counselor and life coach - it has been devastating to arrive at this juncture where I am now the one struggling with transformation. The radical and abrupt changes have caused what feels like impenetrable grief - mourning the loss of who I was and proud of in “a former life”. Because so few who have not directly experienced it have so little understanding and therefore empathy, I have found it difficult to keep trying to explain what is going on with me. It makes me sad to know this change has cost you your job. I can only hope that for you and all of us that a new self/life emerges - much better and richer in joy than anything we can imagine!
Adreannareplying to Anonymous5 years ago
From someone that has always equated my self worth with my ability to be a top earner and a fast learner, I have had severe difficulty with this particular post menopausal gem. There are days that I’ve had to ask my manager for the umpteenth time about a procedure and a week later, I’ve forgotten it again. If I write it down, I forget where I wrote it. It has caused a significant strain on my relationship because my significant other tells me he told me something and I can’t remember it. It’s like my worst nightmare and the depression is so bad that it only makes it worse. How long does this last?????
Kristinareplying to Anonymous1 year ago
Oh wow seeing all this is like arriving to a party I didn’t really wanna be invited to but feel so understood and heard that is such a relief I can’t explain. I too have grown tired of trying to articulate how I feel because it is never the same. I explain it to my wonderful husband who is trying so hard to get it that estrogen is like my starter (LeBron) and he is injured so the team if falling apart cause we desperately need him for the team to work and now idk how the season is going to finish or long the losing streak will last!!!
Anonymous5 years ago
This is exactly how I feel . And it’s so damn depressing. And I refuse to accept it. It’s not living, it’s just being.
Caroline6 years ago
I have read this story which I found interesting and helpful . I can fully relate to it all thanks for sharing. I have read all of your comments again thanks for sharing everyone. It just feels quite overwhelming at times not being as strong as I have always been. I could juggle so many things you guys have no idea my work load , between work taking care of four kids looking after elderly family members for years . And now my youngest girls twins have turned 17 years old and I feel like what am I to do now . I’m delighted I’ve raised them as I was 39 when I gave birth to them . My children have been a big part of my life and I’ve loved every minute of raising them . But I feel a sadness now that they are independent. I feel what am I going to do now. I’ve recently given up work as I found it all too hard physically. I do look after my grandson which fills up some of my time . I just feel in a rut at the moment. With the whole COVID situation has made me think twice about everything. Then I had a fall out in my backyard and fractured my foot so I’m currently having to stay still for six weeks which is difficult. Please God after this time I need to make a plan to get to the pool as the leisure centers are reopening so that’s a good start. Try and get back my fitness loose some weight and just try to get back some feeling of wellbeing. I do enjoy this app it puts a lot into perspective.
Jane M6 years ago
Thank you for sharing, it’s a great help to read other stories as I realise I’m not alone in what I’m going through. I’m 53 next week and some days I feel great and on top of it then other days really low, emotional, every symptom under the sun comes and goes, anxiety and panic being the worst. Brain fog and forgetfulness not great, especially at work but I’m learning to accept and cope.
Anonymous6 years ago
I hate that anyone else is having to go through some of the same things that I am, but it helps to know I am not alone. My anxiety has been through the roof since this pandemic began. I started a medication to help, but had a horrible reaction. I am finding that routine, cutting caffeine and alcohol out entirely, and embracing my spiritual side has been helpful. I am loving the opportunities I get to be outdoors as well. I truly thought my word retrieval issues were some early sign of dementia until I read this. It’s such a pain and I feel silly when it happens. I’m so glad it’s just yet another annoying sign of menopause. Thank you all for sharing and opening up. I lost my mom 6 years ago and don’t have any siblings, so I find it hard to speak to anyone about what’s happening. I am so glad I found this app and all of you!
Myriam6 years ago
That’s so refreshing to hear. I’m also very happy I found this app. I retired early (at 50) from the maddening world of Television and corporate America to be present during the last years at home of my teenage daughter, and to enjoy the little things in life. But what do you know I find my self incapable to enjoy anything, I’m ridden by anxiety and unmotivated to do all the things I quit a very good job to do. To be honest putting weight on bc of either menopause, depression or plain aging hasn’t done me any good. I mean I cannot just stop being “vain” bc I’m 52. Look at Jane Fonda!! Just kidding. The truth is I’m now a Pilates teacher who started a new career during menopause and all my clients are 50+. Im hoping the extra curves will go away and that I’ll embrace things for what they are. Let’s hang in there ladies
Ali6 years ago
I totally agree - thanks for writing this. Ive found yoga helps me feel better about my body changing and CBT has helped mentally. Ive learned on this journey that this is our body and we have to be kind to it and accept what is instead of wishing things were different.
Jeannie6 years ago
Hi Ann yes I definitely have ? I used to pride myself on being superwoman and now I speak in emojis ? because most of the time I can’t string a sentence together or even arrange my thoughts ? it is what it is but it is a hard thing to accept especially seen as I don’t feel like I have got over given birth yet ? my daughters only just turned 9 and I’m 49 ? I know it’s because I chose to have her later but I feel a bit robbed of being able to be fun mum and I feel very sad ? for my daughter having to deal with me totally changing. I really enjoyed reading what you wrote which is unusual because I can’t focus long enough to read anything lately ? so thank you ☺️
Tania1 year ago
I know what you mean about the fun mom part , I have a 21 year old daughter and 9 year old twin boys and I feel so bad because I am always so depressed and unmotivated to do anything . I am always apologizing to them and telling them sorry I don’t feel well I am trying to get myself better but it breaks my heart , I don’t even want to leave my house .
Willow6 years ago
I found this interesting as I had a 6 month career break. I am now in a new job and 8 months down the line I am still struggling to remember things. I thought I was not able to do the job. This has put a whole new perspective on it ? I have started to do jigsaws now and again to hopefully keep my brain sharper
HD6 years ago
Same.
Anonymous6 years ago
Thank you so much for sharing. The “finding the right word” thing was really scaring me. I didn’t know it could be a part of this process and I immediately thought dementia. Never knew it could possibly be a part of this process and every time I couldn’t think of a word fast enough, I’ve been beating myself up. This really helps me take it down a notch. Thank you.
Emma A6 years ago
I think when I sat in my car not remembering which side of the road to drive on after 30+ years of driving. Now on HRT as honestly thought I was going mad
Liz6 years ago
I went the wrong way up a multi story car park yesterday. I’ve lived here for 20 years and been in this car park many, many times. I hate that this is happening to my brain. Also asked my daughter to put the recycling into the tumble dryer instead of the recycling bin. Trying to see the funny side but actually just want to cry and curl up in a ball.
Teresa6 years ago
Totally with you. I thought I was going mad, that the reality of my stupidity was rising to the surface, that I will be invisible in every way. I couldn’t do my job and had to leave. I used my time for reflection, writing, and photography. I began to look at who I was, where my passions were, and what I wanted to pursue. I decided that my life is starting again and I can explore my creativity; I can start again because it is never too late. I journal a lot too. This keeps me going and keeps me positive. You haven’t expired, your strengths have simply changed. Sending love to you all xx (I write about all of this in my blog ladychicpea.com and on IG if you would like to read more)
Anonymous6 years ago
Thank you for this!! Like all of you I thought I had the early stages of dementia, I struggle to finish a sentence sometimes and then become so paranoid that everyone else has noticed that I withdraw from conversations and then become anxious it’s the hardest part of the menopause and I am only 44 ?
Anonymous6 years ago
I’ve been exactly the same for at least 4 years! I’m 52 & thought early onset dementia was the cause, now with my night sweats and hot flashes, weight gain after hysterectomy and mood swings I realise it’s just part of me!
Anonymous6 years ago
It’s so hard, I get the stuff about acceptance but my job relies on my being sharp and with it (negotiator) and my husband doesn’t earn much after being made redundant in 2008. We’ve got a disabled son who’s unlikely to ever be able to support himself and a daughter. I’m not saying this to moan and I know lots of people have it harder but there still doesn’t seem to be the understanding that women going through this may be the breadwinner for a lot of dependants and will struggle to keep their jobs if their cognitive sharpness slumps too far. I feel like if the medical world would catch up to that fact maybe the treatments would improve - I just don’t believe they’d decide it was acceptable for men to just get a bit slow and foggy at the peak of their careers.
Anonymous6 years ago
This is a very truthful story about how we can be affected by something that all women go through and yet still, it’s thought of as an old woman’s part of life Perhaps if we all talk about stuff more instead of feeling like we shouldn’t talk about it to men, then we can help them to understand how hard at times it is for some of us!! They go through hormones changing too!.. exchanging of info is the only way forward!!......
Anne L6 years ago
Can identify with those feelings must practice acceptance and more self compassion thank you
Angela6 years ago
Anne and everyone who has commented thank you. I am experiencing the same things as many people here have said, mood swings, emotional roller coaster, lack of enjoyment at work, tiredness, irritability, brain working slower than usual and all this when I changed jobs (2 years ago now), and found the organisation and my boss weren’t a good fit and I initially put my struggles down to these these things together with the fact that I am also caring for my dear mother (Alzheimer’s and rheumatoid disease). She had a run of three very difficult years and being such an independent, fun, sociable person it had been devastating to see the effects of Alzheimer’s on her and our relationship. I’ve had so many conflicting emotions and that sheer exhaustion at times and just wanting to stay in bed and sleep, but I have work and mum to support. I knew what to expect with the Alzheimer’s as I’m a mental health nurse which doesn’t make things any easier. I am so thankful to have found this App and to hear your experiencing because I now have a better understanding of the changes and the impact of the changes and not think that I’m failing in my support of my mother. So a heartfelt thank you.
Naila6 years ago
I am having a terrible feeling during my menopause time. I am 49 and going through mental and physical fatigue. To read about your experience during menopause time it feels like you are talking about me. I tried to give up my job so many time. But my financial responsibilities stopped me to do this. I am finding so hard to deal with all of these changes in my body. My relationship with my husband effecting too.
Natasha6 years ago
I see a Psychologist, a Psychiatrist and am married to a clinical Psychologist who has menopausal women as clients asking him for help. If your gynecologist won’t help you, I take it one day at a time, and Give MYSELF GRACE. I am my advocate. Adolescence in reverse is hard.
Marcia6 years ago
I am 56 years old and I am feeling the same way, frightened, scared, and feels like I am having panic attacks sometimes. I am also very forgetful most of the time, I didn’t know this is what happened to people when going through menopause. I am going through my menopause for 3yrs now I am very worried about my memory, do you believe it a good idea to see a doctor?
Diana5 years ago
I just started a new job a few weeks ago after a 5 month lay off, thank you COVID, and find that I can’t type the way I used to and thought I honestly have dyslexia. I am also more exhausted than usual on thursdays and fridays, I guess all of the sudden brain activity during the week makes me tired at the end of the week. My only saving grace right now is the gym, where I exercise for an hour with a mask on 3 days a week. Also walks outside are very helpful. Thank you ladies for sharing your stories, they are so helpful. Hang in there!!
Bex5 years ago
I’m fortunate to have found this app. It has given me insight and a place where I can feel like I’m not an alien. Peri & menopausal was never a thing I remember my older sisters or mother talk about. For me, the negative stigma is unavoidable and among other things I feel alone, depressed, and foggy a lot lately. Logging has helped me reflect and realize that it may have been a gradual change that I kind of disregarded until now. I turned 50 in this crazy year of 2020 my symptoms started about 45. My daughter left to college this year and I’m feeling the empty nesting feeling getting heavier knowing my son will also be leaving soon. Thanks ladies for being brave in sharing your stories. I’m hoping my own story will give a bit of hope & maybe some comfort to someone else in knowing your not alone. Definitely not easy, but I’m choosing to take a minute to recognize there is a change happening that I can’t control. I’ll do my best to get through it with the information I’m finding here and see this change as an opportunity to self care and find something that will give me joy again. New hobby, a brisk walk around the block, maybe even a moment of silence to try and quiet that inner voice jerk that’s in my head! No doubt you all are here to find some info, relief, acknowledgment maybe, so let’s not give up. A little bit of something is better than a whole lot of nothing ❤️
Anon5 years ago
I started getting the forgetfulness and the inability to pick the right words some years ago a, I worried it was dementia as it runs in the family. my conversation dropped and I struggled. Where I was working it was tough, it was very dog eat dog and cut throat, I was verbally attacked for being incompetent and generally got at for not being on the ball and being too slow.. I ended up leaving, I had had enough I couldn’t cope any more with the constant verbal abuse. With COVID I am finding it hard to find another job, I needed the break from work but also need to work to earn money to live. I want to work somewhere where I can fit in and feel valued and not pressured by my dementia like symptoms and not pressured by ‘productivity’ to work fast paced. I have been made to feel useless and incompetent and this stigma is sticking. Reading the comments and articles on this app has made me realise that I am not going completely mad and that menopause is the cause, if only there was more understanding. I just need to find a More understanding workplace. I feel I am looking for a unicorn... Meanwhile my brain continues to let me down. Will this ever end? Will the brain fog go? Will my anxiety go? Can I get fit enough to work again?
Bess19735 years ago
I’ve been telling myself “You are so stupid”. I agree with what you wrote. I have also read to ask yourself , “Would you speak that way to a friend?” Obviously not! So I say to myself, that’s ok, everybody makes mistakes.
KitttyKat5 years ago
I would like to read some please ❤️
Beth2 years ago
Wow this is such a great read. I’m 43 and been feeling these changes, and felt scared,alone,not myself,not liking work after 20+ year and want a change (could be midlife crisis on that) , along with so many questions and no one to ask. Thank you for this and everyone’s comments 🙏🏼💛 makes me feel better.
Anonymous2 years ago
I can’t explain why life got a hold of me and I can’t let good my old self. I became angry and feel very saddened because im don’t feel any anything! I’m getting thru tis in a very emotional state of mind! I meditate and pray often! My grandchildren gives me life n happiness.
Marta2 years ago
Thank you all. I have been struggling with putting words to how I am feeling and I thank you for sharing feelings and thoughts that have helped me with my own vocabulary around what is happening.
Latasha McG😌🙏1 year ago
Acceptance and self-compassion. Hmmmm…this is revolutionary for me! Thanks! BTW, I too am a very witty, quick thinking, person but lately😶🌫️🫨🤯. And it is so scary and so sad. However…acceptance and self-compassion are my goals😌🥰🌞…
Anonymous1 year ago
I have extremely high mental health illness and mixed with this I’m loosing control. The help out there is so limited
Anonymous1 year ago
I agree with you all- physical changes are a bummer , I look back fondly of the days that could eat what i wanted run 3 miles under 45 mins, and do a 12 hour shift the next day. So much energy! Yet, I thank God that I was able to have a career change that was still in my field of practice but less physical stress and more analytical and more mindful. I think if you are 40+ and given over a good 15 years in your career you have gathered so much knowledge and experience in your field of practice. This is where managing your career to work for you and life balance becomes the forefront. Is there positions or possible promotions that more lends to guiding and managing and needs your expertise and your plethora of knowledge/experience?? We may not if our young physical body BUT we still have our wonderful great minds 😇🙏🏻
Anonymous1 year ago
I’m trying to accept and adjust my approach to things accordingly. I’m finding just sharing my feelings with my spouse is helpful.
Anonymous1 year ago
Great
Anonymous1 year ago
I’m so glad to have found this app. im perimenopausal and it’s been so difficult in managing it. I feel lost and lonely. I was at first trying to be my then normal but I came to a point where I just had to stop and accept the change I’m going through. its had an impact on my career. It takes me time to sync my mind to my physical body. Before the perimenopause, I was quick and able to do things. Now I have to take time to understand and process what I am doing. That takes time and it slows me down for the simplest of things, like getting up from the dining table- I have to tell my mind so that it can be in sync with my body to tell it it’s time to get up. yoga and meditation and sitting in silence is a great help to escape from the other side of life I live in.
Anonymous1 year ago
Frustration and resistance. Thanks for the reminder to essential treat oneself like you would your best friend. It’s not easy bcs I need that old brain. But I can take One Step Forward