I have been very touched by your responses to an article I wrote for Caria, Mental Changes During Menopause. What a thoughtful, smart, brave group of women.
Your honesty reminded me, yet again, how important shared experience is for all of us, to not feel alone in difficult times.
Because, the details of our lives are different from one another, but through menopause we share a great deal — from physical pain to lack of sleep to cognitive changes.
No matter what shape our lives take, the medicine for greater well-being is the same: to accept, to exercise self-compassion and to go deeper into what matters to us.
I’d like to share more on this topic with you, as well as to respond to some themes in your comments about the first article.
Accept, but Still be Proactive
Some women said they could see the wisdom of acceptance during menopause, but also felt that tools to improve mental acuity, like eating well and brain games, were a good idea. To that I say a resounding, “Absolutely!”
Accept your new realities of menopause, but be proactive, too. Menopause brings changes you can’t control, so take positive control wherever you can. Exercise your mind and body, see your doctor to make sure there are no health issues that need attention, meditate if you’re drawn to or reconnect with a creative project.
Take advantage of the wide range of resources here on Caria, such as articles, courses and guided practices.
Other women said they wanted to practice acceptance around their cognitive changes, but found it really hard. I did too.
I only started to turn the corner when I realized how resistance affected me. When I paid attention to it, I noticed that resisting my symptoms made me extremely tense, anxious, brittle and vulnerable. When I tried to be more accepting, I was a bit more open, soft, available. Sometimes this openness uncovered some sadness or grief, but I was more relaxed, more present and had more capacity to connect with people.
What Can you Do Instead?
Many of you said you shared the feeling of being less yourself because of some cognitive changes. For me, these changes were quite depressing, until I was willing to consider different ways of being and expressing.
For example, humour is a core coping mechanism for me and my siblings. It is an effective way we learned to deflect tension in the family. Laughter can be a wonderful way to break tension and reconnect. But, during menopause, I felt humour had become a kind of veil, a safe way to cover over my more genuine desire which was simply to be loving with others (you can always say you were “kidding,” if things don’t go according to plan).
So, I started to keep an eye out for times I used humour as a shield, as well as other reflexive ways of behaving. I don’t want this to sound laborious, just another thing to work on! We’ve all had enough “learning experiences,” am I right? It was more a curious exploration for old habits that I might want to leave behind.
You’ll know if this kind of exploration could be a fit for you. As some ways of being and expressing become less available or automatic during this time of life, there may be other, more true ways waiting to be–finally–rediscovered.
If they are genuine, natural parts of you, they’ll grow with your attention and caring like an acorn grows with warmth and water. Things that cover over your nature, like those habits we learn to get by, actually take a lot of energy to maintain and must eventually fall apart.
Meditation Changes over Time
It was so helpful for me to hear that quite a few of you said you enjoy meditation, but have found that harder with menopause, too. I appreciated this because I went through a very painful period when, as a lifelong meditator who depended on the peace and clarity in practice, I found it increasingly hard to focus.
For a few, desolate months, I felt I had lost something central to myself and my well-being.
I tried to identify the reasons for it, but in the end decided it didn’t matter. Instead, I leaned more on acceptance and self-compassion for what I was experiencing: a hard time focusing and inability to sink quickly into silence. Then I was more able to be present with what was there, rather than what wasn’t. I was still there. I used body- and breath-centred meditations more than mind-centred meditations to ground in my body which in turn helped my mind to refresh and calm down.
Keep It Simple
Our minds want to make everything extremely complicated, especially if it’s something that upsets us like these cognitive changes. We think that something as simple as going for a walk or doing a breath meditation for five minutes is kind of pointless. “What good is that going to do?”
We want to mentally understand, before we try. But ideas and understanding don’t always make us happy or increase well-being. Try going for a walk. Or, doing a breath meditation. See how you feel, what changes. That’s all that matters in the end.
To find guided practices on dealing with cognitive changes, head to Caria’s Explore section and check out the course called “Combat Brain Fog.” I hope they will be a help to you all.
Community comments
32Real experiences shared by the community, from the original discussion to today.
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Share what worked for you — comments are reviewed before they appear.
Tish5 years ago
Thank you for taking the time to write this powerful & helpful article for those experiencing menopausal symptoms.
Char5 years ago
A song that many will remember just came on the radio., “Where Were You(When the World Stopped Turning, that September Day?”). by Alan Jackson. It will be 20 years since 9/ 11 in 2021. Menopause interrupts grief that has rolled crushing so many of us. From terrorist attacks to the pandemic, to the deaths of those we loved in these brutal times of the last 20 years. Yes, I am physically in pain with the shocking symptoms of menopause. But a friend lost her 43 year old son to Covid-19, two weeks ago & my mom is in a nursing home away from me & the rest of our family. I am blessed to have a loving husband who wants me to take care of myself in the madness of menopause. Ultimately I can’t help anyone else unless I take care of myself & that is true for anyone who is hurting in anyway. You have to know you are worth love, grace & kindness, now & always. Love, Peace & Blessings y’all!
Sv5 years ago
What if you had no one. What would you do ? Would a walk make you feel better. Imagine being all alone going through this.
Katherine. Meidreplying to Sv1 year ago
Yes. True. I believe. To
Katherine5 years ago
Valuable information,, thank you ?
Katherine. Meid1 year ago
One day at time
Emma5 years ago
Very useful and insightful information. I love that sometimes just doing without thinking can help ?
Dolphinsal5 years ago
Bless you and thank you for the suggestions ?✨
Tidden5 years ago
What a lovely reassuring hug of words. Thank you.
Stepy5 years ago
I connected with everything you said. I have to constantly remind myself to be patient and kids to myself. It’s difficult but getting better. Thanks for your article ❤️
Kari5 years ago
Thank you for this I am 68 going thru menopause. Meditation has helped my anxiety
Christi5 years ago
I need this positivity. Thanks!
Sarah5 years ago
This has been the most inspirational article. If only I’d had this support a couple of years ago! Clarity and insight from others is so valuable as is the shared experience. I felt I had no one to talk to and to those I did, I felt there was always a slight underlying cynicism/ you are using the menopause as an excuse for your anger and irritability which you should be in control of. Thank you I will share this article countless times.
Terry5 years ago
I couldn’t agree with you more. I have these crazy mood swings and even my obgyn looked at me like I was crazy. (A man of course) I don’t know what to do or who to turn too. An antidepressant was suggested to me. However, I don’t want to take a potential habit forming drug that may or may not work and could possibly make it worse. I’m miserable.....All these weird things started to happen to me like agoraphobia, depression, anxiety, loss of appetite, lack of energy, lack of patience, insomnia. I have zero motivation and my libido is gone. I don’t have a husband that understands. He doesn’t even know what menopause is and asked me if everyone gets it. All I kept thinking was omg I’m married to an idiot. I wanted to punch him in the face. The things that used to make me laugh no longer do. Waking up with a soaked head. Freezing and then being hot. I started to hate the things that I used to love. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to snap out of this. Any suggestions?
Abenabreplying to Terry5 years ago
Hi Terry I can relate to you. In the midst of family, friends and even GP’s that do not understand as our world changes and low mood reigns; it is even more important that we try to acknowledge that ‘I’m down and it sucks but it’s ok,’ I try to find ways to love myself even when it’s hard. Find what works for you. There are so many hints, suggestions and views shared in this space (Caria) that have literally changed my life - not feeling alone has meant a lot. You are not alone.
Beckyreplying to Terry5 years ago
There is help—Serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are the majority of medications used and they not habit-forming or addictive. If one doesn’t work another may and most have minimal side effects. Also talking to a therapist in person or online helps immensely.
I don’t eat nearly what I used to and never weighe5 years ago
Going for a walk really CAN make a difference .......No it’s not a cure for mental and physical difficulties but it ALWAYS feels better..... sometimes a lot and sometimes just a tad better......but better.....If I’m in a bad way I always think to myself I’ll take a walk and then do x.y.z. Or I’ll take a walk and then make a decision or say x.y.z..... my attitude is ALWAYS more positive after a walk...... It doesn’t cost a penny and unless a blizzard is going on can almost always be an option.....appreciate being a woman.....almost always we give so much of ourselves to others.. we are AMAZING!
Litza5 years ago
Thank you.
Diane5 years ago
This helped so much
Adreanna5 years ago
This is a wonderful app and I need it so much! Fir the past two years, I have experienced so much anger, irritability, self isolation, and physical symptoms that I feel that I’m literally going CRAZY sometimes. My relationship has suffered and I finally told my doctor that something had to be done because I didn’t even like MYSELF most days! And it’s just shrugged off. Now, everything is COVID related...even when you try to explain that these symptoms manifested long before COVID appeared. It’s so hard to admit this to yourself, never mind another person, and then to have it negated so casually, is very very frustrating.....
Amina5 years ago
Adreanna I TOTALLY relate to your comment. I am a basket case just about every day and my relationship is on the brink of ruin as a result of my symptoms. I am peri menopausal and I am seeing a therapist due to issues prior to menopause but it has been magnified as a result of my hormonal changes. I am irritable, agitated and everything seems to send me down a rabbit hole of negativity. I am so grateful that I stumbled on this app after reading an article about great apps for women two days ago.
Cheryl5 years ago
Thank You so much for your article it really lifted my spirits and gave me something to look forward to.
Abenab5 years ago
Thanks ??
Nicole5 years ago
Thank you so much for this article. Sometimes remembering to have acceptance and self-compassion is so hard to do.
Denise5 years ago
Thank you for sharing. Knowing I’m not alone is a great start for my healing process.
Michelle4 years ago
I thought I was doing fine mentally, but I’ve noticed a feeling of doom/anxiety surrounding getting older, death, disease, etc. I’ve always been fortunate to have very good health, no chronic condition whatsoever. Now I find myself obsessing about every symptom, worrying something is really “wrong” with me despite a recent checkup that gave me an all clear, thinking about how much time I have left even though I’m only 52, healthy, active, etc. Now I’m wondering if these kinds of obsessive thoughts about disease and death are a mental health symptom of perimenopause/menopause.
Scott4 years ago
Ok, so I’m a man. Yes a man. And I’ve had the balls to download this app and register as a menopause man. Why? Because my fiancée is going through menopause and I care, our relationship is suffering because of my lack of understanding, so here I am reading and reading. This article has been the best one by far I have come across on Caria. Sadly there are no apps out there for a man and I really think there should be. But I guess and hope my comment here will get lots of traction. Please help me help my woman. I am clearly a fiancé who gives a shit about our relationship, otherwise I wouldn’t be bothered with this open comment on here. Please fire away with comments on what are the key things I should and shouldn’t be doing and also very important to me is what I should and shouldn’t expect back from my fiancée. I love this app. And hope this comment get great traction. Many thanks
Jules1 year ago
It’s so hard for woman and hard to explain what’s going on to some Men but whe. You have mental health and serious medical problems too. It complicates things and I try my hardest to control my anger but sometimes it surprises you a I go waking and it makes me feel when I can actually walk because most of time I can’t due to back problems and fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis
Lacey9 months ago
I was a complete nightmare, picking fights with my husband every day, sometimes more than once. Several times I had us both crying on the floor. I cannot believe some of the hurtful things that I said. I would come out of an episode (that’s what we call them) and start crying and say I’m so sorry this isn’t me. He looked at me through the tears in his eyes and said I know Lacey your eyes are vacant when you do this. You’re not in there. I’m afraid you’re going to get trapped in there and not come back to me. At one point as I was bawling I told him I was going to go live in my car and I would come see the kids when he wasn’t here so that I couldn’t hurt him anymore- that I wouldn’t take his money, kids, house or anything else. He looked at me and he said ‘you’re going to go live in your car at 46 years old? What are you talking about MY kids MY house MY money? This is OUR LIFE! We are not throwing away 23 years because you’re having a bad year. I love you, you’re mine, I’m yours and we’re staying that way for the rest of our lives… but a marriage can only take so much so could you please stop doing this? For someone like me who has never felt with any mental health issues ever this is extremely difficult. I’m actually not sure I’d still be here without HRT. Sometimes I just feel hopeless, insecure, jealous, rage, worthless, like a failure, like I have this ball of dread on my chest. It’s uncontrollable and volatile. It’s not me, I feel crazy to the point that my brain sometimes feels like it’s vibrating with all the negative emotions I’ve never felt before… we’re like toddlers, we have no idea how to process these emotions because we’ve never felt them before (and if we have it’s because something happened and that was an appropriate response.) It’s very scary to not have control over your own mind. You are an amazing fiancée.., I think I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel because most days I feel normal / some semblance of me momentarily throughout the day. It’s been 18 months but if I’m being honest probably gradually since early 40s. We both joke that when we’re on our deathbed and we look back on our life hopefully this will just be a little tiny blip in our wonderful wonderful life together. I think perimenopause causes a very large percentage of divorces. You guys are lucky to have the kind of love that’s worth fighting for and that’s amazing. I wish you both the best.
Danae1 year ago
I have been going through menopause for 5 years and am not able to take HRT as it sends me into depression. (Not without trying) I have gone for long periods operating on very little sleep and I still got up and went to work. I drove through a red light one day on my way to work after only sleeping for two hours. Although this has now changed with the help of magnesium my short term memory and the Brain fog is terrible. I feel incompetent at work and I am meant to be the retail manager!! I feel self conscious in a career I have loved and thrived in and frequently come home in tears and am ready to quit. Does it ever get better??
Ri1 year ago
Thank you for sharing
Katherine. Meid1 year ago
Thank u more underwing Standing.